The two month span following Halloween through January 1^st should be declared a National Federal Disaster. The time span that encompasses Thanksgiving and Christmas can easily be compared to a tornado or hurricane. It is one non-stop whirlwind of things to do and people to see and places to be all compounded by typically bad weather including cold, snow, ice, and rain.

Let’s take a basic task like driving. Normally from January to October it doesn’t present a problem for most people. And even most of the way through November the driving patterns are normal – however starting on the Friday after Thanksgiving whatever portion of the brain that controls the ability to drive becomes temporarily paralyzed until after the first of the year. People now only have two speeds: extremely fast and extremely slow. I have decided that the people who are going extremely fast are running late as everyone seems to run late during the Holidays because you can’t do anything quickly during the month of December and the ones that are driving extremely slow are simply going that slow because they are trying to avoid where ever it is they are headed (i.e. relatives house, shopping, the tenth of tweleve Christmas parties you were invited to).

Back up to the day after Thanksgiving – Black Friday. Also known as “the most dangerous shopping day of the year.” Have you ever heard a news report detailing how everyone was happy and peaceful and everyone walked away a winner on Black Friday? No. You hear scary details of what is now termed “competitive shopping.” (I wish I would have come up with that phrase as I’m sure it will make its way to Urban Dictionary soon.) The big fear years ago was being trampled as stores opened their doors. Now in addition to running shoes so you can run faster than everyone else you need a Kevlar vest and gas mask to avoid getting shot, stabbed or pepper sprayed. The best part is that most of the stores – even the ones involved in the several shootings and pepper spray incident – considered Black Friday to be a “successful and safe shopping experience.”  In the future I assume it will be considered successful and safe if only one SWAT team is called out to any given store.

My favorite saying around this time of year is a quote from Clark W. Griswold “This is a full blown four-alarm Holiday emergency!”

Still not convinced the Holidays deserve the National Disaster title?  FEMA’s disaster website lists the following signs of stress to watch out for during a disaster:  Do you have feelings of guilt? At Christmas who doesn’t feel guilty about something? Like that little white lie you told your boss about needing the day off to spend time with your in-laws when you actually went shopping. Are you irritable? Yes especially after the bitch in the green minivan took my parking spot that I was clearly waiting for. Do you have low energy? After driving to six different stores to try and find one toy that everyone else already has – yes I’m low on energy. Is it difficult to make decisions? If you don’t think you have this problem trust me you do. I stood behind two women yesterday contemplating what dolls to buy for their grandkids. They picked out and put back at least 12 different Barbie dolls before returning to the original one. Are you overeating? Have you seen Santa?

If FEMA took over Christmas we would all be required to Make a Plan and Make a Kit. Plans would involve things like if you haven’t been out shopping since 1986 but decided this year you’re going to attempt to go to a mall – here is a guide to buying online. They could even have suggestions for kids like wearing earmuffs inside the car so you can’t hear all the cuss words mommy is screaming at the lady in the green minivan. Then there would be the Emergency Christmas Kits. They would need to include: water or alcohol (do you think it’s a coincidence that there are 4 pages of alcohol on sale in the weekly Walgreens ad?), batteries, a can of fake snow, baby wipes and garbage bags (they were on the Basic Disaster Kit list – I’m sure there is a use for them), cell phone charger, fire extinguisher (they’ve obviously been to my family Christmas parties), prescription medication (Xanax anyone?), sleeping bag or warm blanket – maybe a Snuggie, local map, figgy pudding, sugarplum fairies and milk & cookies.

Personally, my disaster plan for next Christmas only has one thing listed: airline tickets to warm and tropical location

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

This started out as just a simple Facebook post but (much like Twitter) some things just take more than 144 characters.

It started out as a simple trip to the foot doctor.  But if you’ve ever tried to drive in the suburbs between 5 and 6 you know you move exactly 10 mph in bumper to bumper minivans and crossovers and a trip that should take 10 minutes takes 1 hour.  So this all started with my 13-year-old playing his Ipod on the car stereo.  First came Eminem.  When I knew the words to “I’m not afraid” it became suddenly uncool and was switched to LMFAO and when I started singing along to “Sexy and I know it” (Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle yeah) – it also became totally uncool.  Because lets face it when your 13 anything your mom likes is totally not cool.  This went on the entire way to the foot doctor… until he stumped me with ‘Lil Wayne.  Which was then turned off because…wow… lets just say there’s a  reason I don’t know ‘Lil Wayne lyrics.  This is probably the point where a “good” parent would have taken the Ipod and deleted a song that “muthaf**ker” was the first word – I, however, did not.  Why?  What’s the point?  I know his computer/hacker genius BFF that lives 2 houses down will simply replace it tomorrow (along with jailbreaking it, hacking his sisters Itunes account and pretty much anything you see computer geniuses do on TV – and he’s 13).  It seemed pointless.  And I did reprimand him and threaten to tell his soccer coach if I ever heard it again.

The doctor’s office was largely unremarkable except I had to keep telling both of them to stop talking when we were in the waiting room.  They can be loud.  And the very kind lady who was also waiting asked me politely how old they were.  “9 and 13″ I said, “It seemed like a good idea when they were 5 and 1 but not so much now.”  She laughed and reminded me that some day I would miss these times.  I’m sure I will — which is why I’m writing this.

On the way home the Ipod battle started again but luckily his died a few minutes in so he switched to mine.  We did a few laps around what few rap songs I have in my Ipod and then he found “Red Solo Cup” by Toby Keith.  Which he played because once upon a time when he was still a cute little 9-year-old he loved to sing “Beer for my Horses.”  (Even as I type it I see the Bad Parent stamp coming out).  Anyway back to “Red Solo Cup” – I guess I really hadn’t listened too carefully to it because in the first verse Toby says testicles.  Of course the 13-year-old doesn’t miss the opportunity to point out that I now had a song with inappropriate lyrics.  And considering the whole song is basically an ode to a plastic cup obviously written while totally wasted I figured arguing the point was not in my best interest.

Then came my moment of glory.  I saw a glimpse of the cute and adorable former 9-year-old boy and my heart started to melt as he was flipping through my playlist and he asked “What happened to Yellow Submarine?”  Bad Parent stamp be damned he still remembered our goofy times singing Yellow Submarine over and over again because he thought it was so funny.  We couldn’t find it and were wondering what had happened to all my Beatles music — possibly lost in the great computer crash from October.  Then a little voice pipes up from the backseat, “Who are the Beatles?”

Yes the car came to a screeching halt.  Luckily the Dodge charger next to us was able to pull an evasive maneuver in the roundabout (i.e. taking out half the decorative bushes and curb in the middle) and missed us.  “Are you kidding me?”  I thought I said it, but it wasn’t me it was Dawson.  Needless to say Teagan was informed if she ever asked that question again she would be forcibly removed from the vehicle.

Close to home Dawson found “We are the Champions” which we sang as loud as we could.  As we entered the quiet peaceful neighborhoods however he flipped to Chamillionaire and we were “Ridin’ Dirty.”  Now this is where the Facebook post came into play.  Apparently it is frowned upon in the suburban establishment to very loudly blast a song about ridin’ dirty (defined by urban dictionary as driving in an automobile while having at least a felony charge worth of illegal drugs and or unregistered firearms with you) in your designated soccer mom SUV while riding with your children in the car.  And if you’ve never heard that song it does have an awesome thump to it when you crank the bass.  The elderly couple walking their poodle didn’t seem to think the bass was cool though — by the way Mr & Mrs Elderly Couple it’s 38 degrees outside you should probably consider getting Fifi a fence.

The bad parenting didn’t stop there because as I was making dinner they kids were playing Midnight Club LA on Xbox — basically a game where you run from the police and win points for evading them.  Dawson was driving and Teagan was his lookout who kept yelling “POLICIA POLICIA!!” whenever she saw a cop car.  I have no idea where or when she learned the word for police in Spanish but I’m at least glad she wasn’t yelling “5-0 5-0.”

Teagan noticed tonight I hadn’t written anything on my Christmas Wish List on the refrigerator and she asked me “what do you want (pause for effect) a new life?”  No Teagan…. I will keep this one… without it I couldn’t write. 

………….. Maybe I should ask Santa for some spinners for the Trailblazer……..

It’s that time of year again.  That magical and wonderful time known as “the Holidays.”  Days as in plural… not daze as in shock or overwhelm.  Although either ending is appropriate as most people whiz through the next 2 months in a perpetual state of shock and/or overwhelm.  (side note:  why can’t I think of all these z and x words when I’m playing Words with Friends?).  Not suprisingly I’m not a “Holiday’s” type person.  I don’t have an array of holiday sweaters or keep a small decorated Christmas tree in some small corner of my home year round to remind me of the joy of this season.  However you can find last years Christmas wrapping paper still in a pile in the corner of my dining room.  I stop just short of describing myself as a Holiday Grinch.  Just because I don’t buy special turkey and Pilgrim printed kitchen towels, get up at 2am for Black Friday, or make orange and clove pomander balls doesn’t make me a Grinch or a Scrooge.  It makes me….. I’m not sure there’s a character that describes me.  I guess if they were handing out “Holiday’s” awards I’m not the blue ribbon cookie baking, hand crafted gift making while wearing my Mrs. Claus apron.  I would more than likely get one of those green ribbons stamped PARTICIPANT.  The kind you get for just showing up and surviving. 

There is however one aspect to this season that sucks me in hook, line and sinker.  You can find me on any given day from November to December 23 in the magazine aisle of any given store – yes even Lowes.  Despite the fact that I have a cabinet full of overflowing cookbooks and magazines – most of them holiday editions – I still stop and leaf through each and every one I see.  And in particularly weak moments I buy a newer edition than the one I have even though the voice of reason is screaming in my head “DO YOU REALLY NEED A RECIPE TO FIX “FLUFFY MASHED POTATOES” – SOMETHING YOU FIX AT LEAST THREE TIMES A WEEK FOR DINNER???”  But the “Magic of the Season” overrules the voice of reason every time.

There is just something about this time of year that makes me believe I will actually have the time and ability to make cloverleaf dinner rolls from scratch because I see a recipe for it next to a coupon for flour in the Sunday paper.  I clip and print hundreds of recipes for pecan pie despite the fact that every year I use the exact same recipe I have used for years.  And I took the time to Google “pate brise” to find out it is just Martha Stewart’s fancy ass word for pie dough (well actually it’s the French word for pie dough but Martha makes it sound like it’s so much more than pie dough).  And I bookmarked the pate brise recipe the same day I cut the coupons for Pillsbury Refrigerated Pie Crusts ($.50 off 2 in your local paper).  If you’re wondering which one will win that battle I’d put money on the Refrigerated Pie Crusts.

And that’s just the tip of the Martha Stewart iceburg.  Suddenly I’m reading her 8 steps to simple gravy and I’m thinking I could simmer a turkey neck with some fresh clipped herbs and chicken broth and use that to make a slurry to mix with drippings to make gravy.  Yep not even sure I know what a turkey neck looks like and I have no clue what “slurry” is but it’s Thanksgiving so I can do it.  And while I’m at it I’m going to bake the stuffing in turkey shaped cake pans like she did – it makes for a pleasing table setting.  And soon I’ll be moving on to her Christmas magazine where I’ll convince myself that i can make hand stamped lables to put around the hand made bath & body salts she suggests to hand out as hostess gifts.  I wonder if Martha has ever heard of Bath & Body Works? 

Holiday magazines are an addiction – they should make a patch for it.  Even though at some point my realistic side takes over and reminds me that Martha Stewart is some type of home economics robot experiment gone bad I still find myself back at the magazine rack.  And while I’m much more capable of completing Paula Deen recipes (butter, sugar, butter, suger, bake) I’m still wondering why it is I’m thinking that baking blueberry muffins from scratch suddenly sounds so much simpler because it’s Christmas.  Because if it were the middle of summer I’d be spending 5 minutes making muffins with Betty Crocker in stead of measuring flour, sugar, milk and looking for fresh blueberries which in the middle of December is impossible.

I started to notice this was a growing problem several years ago when I branched out to the coupon circulars.   Companies always offer a handy holiday recipe printed next to the coupon for their product.  I have a collection of these coupon circular recipes too.  Variations of pumpkin pie and candied pecans and cheesecake from the chef’s at Libby, Domino and Kraft.  I even have the Campbell’s recipe for green bean casserole and I despise green bean casserole.  I realized however I’ve moved beyond “problem” to “out of control” last night when I saved the recipe for White Castle Holiday Stuffing.  I actually considered making stuffing  from 10 White Castle hamburgers (pickles removed) mixed with celery, thyme, sage, pepper and chicken broth. 

Twelve step program here I come.

9 1 1

They are numbers I say every day.  Followed by “Where is your emergency?”

But if you change Nine-One-One to Nine-Eleven – the meaning switches immediately and the emergency is instantly remembered.  Nine Eleven is a day that Americans thought was impossible in the 21st century – a terrorist attack on US soil.  Not just US soil – but downtown Manhattan New York City.  And then Washington DC.  As the events unfolded that morning ten years ago a new reality of the world we live in came to life in real-time as millions of American’s watched the tragedy unfold on television.  That was the difference from this “day of infamy” and the one that occurred December 7th, 1941.  When Japan attacked Pearl Harbor – American’s learned about the attack hours after it happened via radio.  They didn’t see pictures until the next day in the morning newspapers.

Our generation watched the attacks happen – we didn’t see American Airlines Flight 11 fly into the north tower but we all watched live as United Airlines Flight 175 tipped it’s wings to inflict more damage just before it burst into the south tower.  And the fireball that shot out of the building is etched in our memories and it can’t be erased by time.

The often asked question is “Where were you?”  I was laying in bed.  Trying to ignore the bright sunlight coming in the window and the Today show on the TV.  I could hear “Blues Clues” playing in the living room and knew that my three-year old was awake and playing with his firetrucks left out from last night.  Then I heard Matt Lauer’s voice announce that a plane had hit the World Trade Center.  And I sat upright in bed.  Unlike some of the reporters I didn’t think it was an accident.  Then 15 min later my suspicions came true.  As my husband and I watched horrifying images in our room we kept hearing the silly music and cartoon voices from Nickelodeon in the living room.  My friend Patty called crying.  My sister Jacque called from her office 38 floors up in the tallest building in Indianapolis.  I told her to leave work.  When the south tower collapsed my friend Patty called back crying because she was afraid there were firemen still in the building.  I told her I was sure they had issued an evacuation order and the firefighters were out of the building.  But in all honesty I wasn’t sure.  In fact several firefighters had made it to the 78th floor – the lowest floor of impact in the south tower.  And they radioed in just before the collapse.

Then I went to work.  The phones were quiet – which I thought was odd.  Cathy and I sat in a conference room which had been modified into a temporary dispatch center because ours was under construction.  The big screen TV which was in the conference room and we had all been so excited about was now just a giant constant replay of the mornings tragedy.  The only call I remember getting that day was from a gas station attendant wanting me to send officers to direct traffic because there was a huge traffic jam of cars trying to get gas.  That is my 9/11 story.  It is largely insignificant compared to the stories told by people who were there.

Ten years later…. It still doesn’t seem real.  It is still deplorable.  Even though we killed the man ultimately responsible for the attack it offers little consolation.  Most of us not directly affected by the tragedy have gone on about our daily lives and only pause once a year for remembrance.

The last thought I have for this day is another number.  343.  There were many hero’s that day including thousands of coworkers helping each other to get out of the burning buildings — but there was only one group of people who were going into the buildings and up the stairs as everyone else was going down the stairs and leaving.

May you all rest in peace and know you will never be forgotten.

A – is for Alabama.  The 2^nd longest and most boring state in the world to drive the 367 miles through to get to the beach.  (Kansas is the 1st – and there is no beach – obviously)

B – is for Birmingham.  Exit 255 – this is where we stayed overnight.  It’s now ranked number 3 on my list of favorite exits on I65.  (Exit 253 in Indiana is #1)

C – is for Crabs.  Dawson caught 3 crabs and 1 fish

D – is for Drury Inn.  The nicest hotel I’ve stayed in while travelling.  They have a 530pm “Kickback” which is hot appetizers and free beverages, a very nice breakfast and it’s the same price as other hotels!

E – is for Electricity.  The outside lights of our condo shocked you every time you turned them on or off.

F – is for Francos.  The Italian restaurant that has the funky lasagna that Dawson didn’t eat – despite the fact that he insisted we eat there.

G – is for Gulf Shores.  Without Gulf Shores this vacation blog wouldn’t be possible

H – is for Hooters.  For whatever reason we always eat at Hooters our first night in Gulf Shores.

I – is for Iphone.  Because without my Iphone I couldn’t have survived this trip as our condo didn’t have Internet access.

J – is for Jakes.  Home of the $24.95 all you can eat steak – Dave and Dawson’s new favorite restaurant in Gulf Shores.

K – is for Khaki shorts and white shirts.  Friday night that is all you see out on the beach with families desperately taking the “perfect beach picture.”  I tried that when the kids were younger and they threw such a fit about what they were wearing I quit trying.  However as I laughed at several families attempts to get everyone together and one lady complaining that her husbands shorts didn’t match I realized miraculously that my kids actually matched (wearing red and blue) and snapped their picture.

L – is for Lawn Mower Demolition Derby.  Which was advertised on the radio as a “must see” at the Southern Kentucky Fair.  Now I’m not disagreeing that it’s probably something spectacular to watch – it has me very curious actually.  How much alcohol does it take to get on a lawn mower and smash into another guy on a lawn mower?

M – is for Mobile.  Birthplace of Hank Aaron, Ozzie Smith and Jimmy Buffett.  When you come into the city on I10 you go under the water in the George C Wallace Tunnel.  And I will forgive my children for asking “who sings this?” when they played Come Monday on the radio.

N – is for Noodle.  The $1.88 pool noodle at Wal-Mart is by far the most economical water floatation device.  It is also the easiest floatation device to maneuver in the water.  Unlike the neon green inner tube that flipped Dave out twice.

O – is for the private and security gated Ono Island.  I plan to have a house there one day.  Once I win the lottery.  O is also for Orange Blossom – the frozen drink concoction that is unique to Gulf Shores/Orange Beach and which it is impossible to get the recipe for.

P – is for Pool.  Where Teagan spent most of her time.  It closes at 10pm.  Which prompted her to ask the question “What time does the beach close?”

Q – is for Quiet and Relaxing.  Which is what vacation is all about.  Q is also for Question which a 9 year old has 1,000 of on any given day.

R – is for Gulf Shores Rescue 2.  Rescue 2 is really busy and drove by our condo at least 5 times a day.  We also saw the Lifeguards’ 4wheeler respond with lights and sirens on the beach (a first for us) and the Lifeguards also respond on the 4wheeler on the road too.

S – is for Signs.  There are very few road signs along I65 in Alabama making it difficult to play the “Alphabet” game.  However every so often you do see a sign or two.  The one’s that stood out were “Legal Divorce for $199” (there were several different law firms selling divorces) “Big Jims Boobie Bungalow” and not on I65 but on St Rd 59 “Don’t feed the Alligators $500 fine” (we took the kids to find the Alligators and never found them).  And S is also for Sea n Suds….. the comfort food of Gulf Shores.

T – is for Tribal Police.  South of Montgomery there is an Indian Reservation (and Casino).  A police car ahead of us was setting the pace at a nice speed of 60mph – totally disrupting Dave’s typical 85mph – and when it finally exited and we passed it we saw that it was Tribal Police.  That goes on my list of things I never suspected I would see in Alabama.

U – is for USS Alabama.  A South Dakota class battleship commissioned on August 16^th, 1942 that earned nine battle stars on the Asiatic-Pacific Service Medal during WWII.  It held 127 Officers and 2,205 Enlisted Men.  If you never thought you were claustrophobic touring a WWII battleship is a good way to find out.  Then after you find out your claustrophobic jump inside the USS Drum the oldest Gato-class WWII era submarine.

V – is for VACATION!!  (and ‘v’ was the hardest letter for me to come up with DUH)

W is for Waves.  Typically the waves in the Gulf are about 3ft.  Several days they were at least 3ft over my head.  Dawson and I both lost battles with the waves.  I had a scraped up knee and Dawson had a black eye.  I know the meaning of “Roll Tide Roll” now.

X is for XTreme Surfing.  Teagan found out that she wasn’t as scared of the ocean as she thought she was by venturing out a few feet into the surf and riding Dawson’s boogie board in.  I’d say she’d make a great surfer one day but I’m not sure she’ll ever go more than 4 ft out into the ocean.

Y is for Ya-Ya Sisterhood.  The Ya-Ya’s were a group of 30-somethings who came to have a girls weekend in Gulf Shores. Mostly they spent the weekend drinking a lot of Tequila and Heineken and rocked out to hits like “Hot Child in the City” “Billie Jean” and “Dancing Queen.”  Teagan pointed out that they were breaking the Pool Rules that say no food or drink or glass bottles in the pool area.  She didn’t mind the music though so she skipped the rule regarding no loud music.

Z is for Zooland.  Zooland has “$5 all you can play Putt Putt.”  And every time we passed the sign Dawson pointed it out.  And we heard “$5 all you can play Putt Putt” about 100 times

One of the new trends thanks to the Krazy Coupon Lady and her show “Extreme Couponing” on TLC everyone in America is trying to buy $200 worth of groceries for 62 cents.  OK maybe not everyone but certainly a lot of people who I know.  And while I could probably do an entire blog on the ups and downs of couponing that’s not where this is headed.  The couponing blog would be one of my famous love/hate relationship blogs (Love to save $52.46 and even cut the savings bracket off of my receipt and taped it in my checkbook like a trophy:  Hate the 6 1/2 hours it took to clip the coupons, look coupons up online, cross-reference my grocery list with the coupons I have and the weekly store ads…. see where this going?)

Actually what I’d like to discuss today is Grocery Store etiquette – or more specifically the lack of it.  Have you ever seen anyone in a grocery store smiling as the shop?  It’s like jogging – I’ve never seen a smiling jogger.  Why?  Because like jogging shopping for groceries is painful.  Ok to be honest I haven’t jogged for several years but when I did it was painful.  Grocery shopping isn’t physical painful,  usually.  Unless you grab the last Butterball out of the freezer a week before Thanksgiving when it’s on sale for 32 cents a pound – then you are taking you life in your hands.  Grocery shopping is that mind numbing kind of painful.

It’s bad enough that in order to feed a family of four these days you nearly have to take a loan to pay for the groceries.  But add to that going to the store and dealing with other shoppers, trying to keep your coupons, kids and husband organized while shopping and having that nagging voice in your head that keeps repeating over and over again “stick to your list so you don’t blow your budget.”  By the time I’m done I’m a complete Zombie.  But I have learned a few tricks – maybe not enough to get my own TV show on TLC but trust me these are way more important that how to get a gallon of mayonnaise for 45 cents.

GROCERY SHOPPING 2.O – THE SURVIVAL GUIDE:

Timing:  The day of week and time you chose to shop can greatly reduce stress in shopping.  The peak times being between 230 AM and 430 AM any day but Saturday.  But if you don’t feel like staying up all night to shop and you don’t work a graveyard shift there are other options.  Wednesday is the best shopping day according to Consumer Reports magazine.  But if that Wednesday is on the 1st or 15th day of the month stay clear.  A lot of people get paid on the 1st and 15th and usually social security checks are deposited that day.

Shoppers on Cell Phones:  If you see someone talking on cell phone go to the opposite end of the store immediately.  These people wander aimlessly throughout the aisles haphazardly tossing something in their cart while they are telling their BFF all about how rockin’ the concert was last night.  They walk down the aisles without any regard to who might be behind them and stop abruptly or drift into the lanes of on coming carts.  Personally I think that if they are taking away texting while you drive they should also make it illegal to talk or text while grocery shopping.

Shopping Attire:  First you should start with foot wear.  I would avoid open toed shoes or flip-flops because if you unsuccessfully avoid a cell phone shopper you could lose a toe or slice a heel when they bump into you with their cart.  Dress comfortably.  If you feel you need to wear your pajamas to shop please select ones without holes or Hello Kitty on them if you are over the age of 8.  I also do not suggest that you wear house slippers for the same reason you shouldn’t wear open toed shoes.  Wear deodorant.  Please.

Check out:  Scan the lines before checking out.  You are looking for two things.  First watch the cashier.  Pick the one who has his or her head down and is methodically scanning items.  AVOID the friendly cashier unless you just need a pick me up.  Friendly cashiers go 46% slower than the non-verbal cashiers.  While it may be nice to hear that you picked the best cantaloupe in the bin it slows your check out time by 5 minutes and irritates the six people in line behind you.  Second you are looking at the people in line in front of you.  If anyone in line has more than 2 kids under the age of 3 find another line.  Kids that aren’t yet in school or pre-school require a ton of stuff and their parents shopping carts are like a clown car.  More and more stuff just keeps flowing out.  Also stay away from the lady with a three-ring binder full of coupons and a file folder with every local grocery store ad to get the comparison pricing on every item in their cart.  Unless of course you are me and in all likelihood shopping with this woman (my friends are a little coupon crazy).

Self Check Out:  If you have just a few things it’s OK to use the Self Scan.  It is NOT OK to use the self scan if you have 2 carts full and your three kids are running around all the other people waiting to use the Self Scan.  It is also NOT OK to use the Self Scan if you can’t operate a basic cell phone – although these computers are relatively self-explanatory and have touch screens some people still do not have the basic technical knowledge to work these machines.

12 Items or Less:  This is not a complicated concept.  It is basic math and it means if you have 13 items go to a different line.  Also CASH ONLY means that they only take cash.  Because what happens when you give a credit card to a lady who has a CASH ONLY line is that everything you purchased has to be voided out, put back in your cart and everyone behind you has to wait while this takes place.

Finally……. my best advice of all……. skip the grocery store and go out to eat!!

See I got to thinking about the future.  I know what the parenting guides are like today and I’m fearful of what they will become by the time my kids have kids.  I see a future generation of toddlers running around in little plastic hamster balls so they can’t trip, fall, hit their head on the coffee table, be bitten by an animal, touch something hot or cold, or try to eat the dog’s food.  Then when they become preschooler’s they will be wrapped from head to toe in special bubble wrap suits.  My kids will look back on their childhood and think OH MY GOD HOW DID WE EVER SURVIVE?

So here we go…. bad parenting tips….. in no particular order:

#254   Never assume you can leave your children watching Blues Clues upstairs while you take a shower and they will be fine.  At ages 6 and 2 they can unlatch the “childproof” baby gate, go downstairs and get into a water fight using the kitchen sink sprayer.  By the way most kitchens can withstand about 1 1/2 inches of water on the floor before you should be concerned.

#95  Having your 4-year-old help you make baby bottles and showing him how to put the bottle in the microwave to warm up the milk is not a good idea.  (PS yes I know you’re not supposed to use the microwave to warm up a baby bottle but sometimes I got desperate.)  It takes about 1 minute to effectively melt Playtex bottles in a microwave .

#173  When your child refuses to swallow the medicine in his or  her mouth and is about to spit it all out – holding their nose to force them to swallow is probably not something you will find in any “good” parenting tips.

#71  If your son’s beloved bunny has recently passed away you may want to screen any movie that you plan on taking him too – because if the pet in the movie gets lost or also passes away you will have a hysterically crying 5-year-old that you have to attempt to console in the bathroom of the movie theater.

#519  When you’re at home and want to watch an “R” rated movie and think it’s OK for your 10-year-old to watch and just cover their eyes/ears at the parts you think they should miss because you know after 10 minutes they will get bored or fall asleep – you also need to know that when their grandmother is watching them for the afternoon they will put the Bad Boys II DVD in with the explanation that “Mommy lets me watch it.”  Thank God Will Smith doesn’t cuss in his rap music – due largely in part to the fact that he gets all his cussing out in the first 5 minutes of that movie.

#461  According to child development experts you should limit your child’s television viewing time to 1-2 hours a day.  I’m not really sure our TV has ever been turned off…..

#815  When asked by a doctor what fruits and vegetables your kids eat you should probably have a better answer than – “Do fruit snacks count?”

#62  Not a good idea to let your son teach your daughter how to swing a baseball bat.

#456  A sweatshirt, sweatpants and tennis shoes is not a suitable replacement for a  winter coat and snow boots when sledding.

Hopefully these tips will help someone out there – maybe my high school friend who was recently lamenting on Facebook some of her recent parenting faux pas which aren’t anywhere close to anything listed above.  By the way there are many more not listed here and I’m sure more to come before they both turn 18.

I am not a perfect parent but I’ve learned to embrace that instead of worry about it.  I’m sure when I turn my “eggs” in they will more than just slightly cracked – hopefully they won’t look as bad as Dawson’s glasses.  At the rate we’re going though they may actually be scrambled.

]]> http://pinkbookdiary.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/bad-parenting-tips/feed/ 0 pinkbookdiary cracked egg http://pinkbookdiary.wordpress.com/2011/02/18/my-lovehate-relationship-with-suburbia/ http://pinkbookdiary.wordpress.com/2011/02/18/my-lovehate-relationship-with-suburbia/#comments Thu, 17 Feb 2011 18:46:47 +0000 pinkbookdiary http://pinkbookdiary.wordpress.com/?p=460 ]]> I have a classic Love/Hate Relationship with where I live.  Not specifically the town but the suburbs in general.  This actually may be a cautionary “be careful what you wish for” type of thing for me.

You see I grew up living out in the country.  Now by out in the country I don’t mean like Kansas where your nearest neighbor is ten miles away.  But many people who know where my mom’s house is joke about how far out it is.  My husband loves to joke that they have to pipe in sunlight.  Its truly not that far out, there is a small town about 10 minutes away and some of the more suburban areas can now easily be reached in 20 minutes thanks to suburban spread.  But when I was a kid it took 30 minutes to get anywhere.  My closest school friends lived 2 miles away – even the ones that rode the same school bus.  Luckily when I was in 2nd grade the elderly couple that lived “next” to us sold their house to a family with three kids – two boys and one girl the boys 1 and 3 years older than me.  I finally had someone to play with in the summer!

Also when I was a kid I loved to read (insert geek here).  Unfortunately my mom bought me lots of things to read including books and magazines.  I read for hours about neighborhood block parties, lemonade stands, holding recycling drives, bake sales, garage sales …. you name it they suggested it for kids to help plan and organize.  I imagined a world where going out for dinner wasn’t a two hour round trip.  And I dreamed of this utopia of never ending things to do and wished whole heartedly that we lived in a “neighborhood.”  Never in a “neighborhood” would you spend a summer evening sitting on the front porch with your grandmother drinking iced tea and watching lightening bugs or watching a storm roll in over the cornfield.  In a “neighborhood” there would be endless children to play with, bike rides to take and a never ending barbecue in someone’s back yard.  I thought it would be great.

So here I sit…. in my “neighborhood.”  And it’s a nice neighborhood with a good school system and plenty of opportunities for kids to join sports, music, dance…whatever they want.  The closest grocery store is about 1 minute from my house by car or you can easily ride your bicycle to it on the beautifully maintained pathways.  There is mall, plenty of shopping and every chain restaurant from Applebee’s to Qdoba.  There is a multitude of beautiful parks all connected by a trail system so you can ride your bike anywhere, and the  Pièce de résistance a 3.1 acre outdoor waterpark (not just a pool) connected to a 113,000 square foot recreation center which houses a 20,000 square foot indoor waterpark (again not just a pool).  And typically during the summer we are out on the street for hours talking to neighbors while kids play and someone cooks burgers or hot dogs on the grill.  And I do enjoy all of these things – the convenience of it all.

But….  I also didn’t realize when signing up for utopia that after so many garage sales, bake sales and neighborhood block parties that I would burn out.  I also think a lot of it has to do with how deep in suburbia I am submerged.  The school colors are red, white and blue, there are illuminated street signs, there are specially designed street signs by all the schools in red, white and blue complete with the school mascot,several roundabouts and the rear window of every minivan and SUV (mine included)  is plastered with football helmets, baseballs or megaphones with names like “Olivia” & “Joshua.”   Image is everything in the suburbs.  The problem is…. image isn’t everything to me so I don’t exactly fit in.  I try.  But when I run into some of the Barbie super moms in their matching Nike workout clothes at the recreation center and I’m dressed in my husbands old fire dept t-shirt and a pair of “Hanes Her Way” sweatpants I realize I don’t fit in.

I live in the middle of sit-com and late night comedian fodder.  And as much as I love the convenience of having anything I could possibly want within arms reach I can’t always handle the social requirements of utopia.  Actually that’s not true either.  I handle them as gracefully as possible given my lack of growing up in the suburbs.  And I smile and nod a lot.  And I’ve learned that you can hide in the pet food aisle in the grocery until the really awful mom from your daughters class checks out so you can avoid even having to say “hello” to her.  And while hiding in the pet food aisle I long to be able to spend summer nights sitting on the front porch, drinking iced tea and watching a summer storm roll in over the cornfield – where I know that the next time I go the grocery store absolutely nobody would know who I am.

Total LOVE/HATE

Meet Waffle…… Teagan’s favorite animal in the whole wide world… through one of her “Sleepover Surveys.”

1.  Full Name?  Waffle Gene Baughn

2.  What do you want to be when you grow up?  Nuclear Physicist

3.  Ever enter a competition?  Yes, I came in 4th place in the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest in Coney Island.

4.  What”s your typical Sunday morning?  I like to sleep in with my favorite person Teagan then have cheese souffle, savory French toast, and garden frittata, topped off with an apricot tart (or maybe just cereal).

5.  If you could go to one concert this year who would it be?  Red Hot Chili Peppers

6.  Favorite cartoon?  The Pink Panther

7.  Favorite character from an animated movie?  Marie from Aristocats

8.  Favorite clothing brand?  Ralph Lauren

9.  Favorite frozen treat?  Dilly Bars

10.  What do you do when you can’t sleep?  I flip on the TV and watch reruns of C.H.I.P.S. and order Chinese take out.

11.  Favorite junk food?  NutterButters

12.  First name spelled backwards?  Elffaw

13.  Are you allergic to anything?  Bulldogs

14.  What’s a word you don’t like?  Jovial

15.  Favorite Sandwich?  pan-bagnat (pronounced pahn-bahn-yah, the “t” is almost silent)

16. Coolest adult you know?  Cousin B

17.  Most boring sport to watch?  Curling

18.  Best personality trait?  Loyalty

19.  Favorite movie song?  Almost Paradise from Footloose

20.  What famous person would you trade places with?  George Lucas

Waffle came to live with us on 2/14/2007 – he was a gift from Buffy for Teagan when she was in the hospital having her appendix removed.  Waffle has since made hundreds of trips to the hospital a little less scary and has travelled with us to Alabama, Illinois, Tennessee, South Carolina and Wisconsin.

Last year I did a blog at the end of the Holidays detailing my favorite memories from the Holiday Season.  So I’ve twisted that a bit by adding in my “favorite things” list as promised from my last blog.  The hard part about this is where to start?  I guess starting at the beginning of the month would be the easiest.  (Note… my favorite things will be in bold)

Actually back up to Black Friday.  My absolute least favorite day of the year and I was working.  Add to it the Nook Color I had ordered from my  birthday was sitting at Barnes & Noble waiting for me to pick it up.  My lovable husband braved the mall traffic and picked it up for me and delivered it to me at work.  The Nook Color ranks very high on my favorite things list!  My favorite book I read this year is The Brave by Nicholas Evans with Shoot the Moon by Billie Letts coming in a close second.

OK moving on.  Dave’s shift decided to have their Christmas shift party/lunch at Fogo de Chao a Brazillian steak house where chefs bring giant cuts of beef to your table and keep bringing them to you until you turn your card from green to red.  Fogo de Chao really doesn’t make my favorite things list because I’m certain I did not eat my moneys worth of beef but it was a very good & entertaining meal.  My favorite restaurants may appear later in the blog but this restaurant is definitely high on Dave’s list.

The first week of December brought the first snowfall of the season.  The snow forced me to bring out my cold weather gear – Columbia Sportswear which I love!  I do not like snow!  However I do love to make Snow Ice Cream with eggs, milk, sugar, vanilla and fresh snow.  Ice cream is also one of my favorite things – although more so in the summer.  My favorite flavors are chocolate, mint chocolate chip and basically any combination that includes chocolate.  I also love every flavor made my Ben & Jerry and can’t live without Mrs. Curl (I knew there was a downside of leaving Greenwood!).

Oh yes while were on the subject:  Chocolate…. Chocolate is also on my favorite things list.  I like dark chocolate over milk chocolate.  My favorite candy bar is a Nestle Crunch with York Peppermint Patty coming in close 2nd.  My favorite brand of “fancy” chocolate is Ghiradelli. I even like chocolate in my coffee – Starbucks Mocha Frappachino rates pretty high on my list but the new McCafe menu at Micky D’s is really good too.

Moving on through the holiday season our neighbors hosted their annual neighborhood Christmas party which according to my daughter was the social event of the season – at least on Creekside Lane anyway.  The annual pitch in improved greatly this year as our neighbors have discovered they enjoy wine from Mallow Run Winery. For the party we had Rhubarb which is really good but I also like their Merlot, Picnic Blush and Riesling.  I also tried Goose for the first time – which was tastier than I thought it would be.

Now the weekend before Christmas was exceptionally busy.  It started with my shift Christmas party at Indiana Live! Casino.  Even if you’re not into gambling you need to go and visit the Market Buffet which has countless food choices.  I also learned how to bet on horse racing – which was actually a fun afternoon.  I learned to always bet on a gray horse (which worked on my last race) and that horses are really unpredictable!  Not sure I’d list it yet as one of my favorite things but I’d like to go back again. I also got a “present” from my supervisor who let me have 2 days off before Christmas.   The next day we met my dad and step mom for lunch at Red Robin.  If I had to pick a favorite burger I would pick the Bleu Ribbon Burger as my favorite.  For Christmas he got Dave and me a gift card to The Cheesecake Factory which is by far my favorite “chain” restaurant (it replaced Chili’s which had been my favorite since college – also got a Chili’s gift card this weekend).  He also gave us his Colts tickets for the last game of the season!

Later that evening we went to the historic Artcraft Theatre to watch Christmas Vacation – both on my favorite list.  The popcorn at the Artcraft is made fresh and has real butter that doesn’t come out of a pump and only costs $2.00.  I would suggest attending one of their weekend movies which is run by volunteers and the money goes to restoring the theater.

I worked the entire Christmas weekend which did not top my favorite things list.  We had fun with families in between work though.  But probably one of my favorite things from Christmas was how excited Teagan was to give gifts.  She had gone shopping at the school’s Santa Shop and thanks to some help from Dawson’s buddies had wrapped the gifts and was just so excited to watch everyone open them.  I was also impressed with Dawson who only listed a few things that he really wanted instead of everything he saw that looked cool.  Kudos to my mom who came up with the game Christmas Vacation Trivia and the random $10 gift cards as prizes – because after we all won a gift card we got to do the famous trading gift cards to get the ones we really wanted.

I guess this brings me to the final weekend in December and the end of my favorite things list.  We traveled to Chicago to see Dave’s sister and brother-in-law.  My favorite exit on I65 between Indy and Chicago is 253 the Merrillville Exit.  There you will find Portillo’s Hot Dogs (awesome Chicago style dogs, by far my favorite!) and the Albanese Candy Factory (see Chocolate above).  We never pass this exit.  A close second in the favorite exits category is exit 220 where you will find Fair Oaks Farms and the best cheese and ice cream ever!  Dave’s sister surprised us with a Kinect for our XBox for Christmas which is a lot of fun for me because using Xbox controllers is not something I’m good at.  We didn’t get to go to Alphies in Wheaton while we were up there but it is one of those really awesome mom & pop restaurants we like up there.

So….I was going to wrap it up there but then I remembered some of my other Favorite Things.  My step mom and my “Secret Santa” at work both got me cookbooks which I love!  I’m actually scared to count how many I own now – and even scarier how many I stand to inherit from my mom.  That made me remember the spoon collection.  My mom has a spoon collection – also something I stand to inherit because I’m the only one who thinks it’s cool.  Some of them belonged to my grandma which is how my mom started her collection and now we never go anywhere without coming back with a spoon.  Which brings me to my final favorite thing:  traveling.

If I could have spent the holidays somewhere other than the frozen tundra of Indiana……. where would it be?   This is really hard!!  I absolutely love the Florida Keys – and that would probably be high on my list of choices.  Also, Savannah & Charleston & San Diego would make the short list.  But I would probably in all honesty go to Gulf Shores – which is by far my favorite place.  Its beachy but not touristy – and extremely laid back.  And now I’m missing it!!

Well that’s it….. a Holiday in review spiced with some favorite stuff of mine.  Welcome 2011 – hopefully another great year!