Baughn Family Dictionary

Welcome to the first official “Baughn Family Dictionary.”

There are so many phrases and sayings that my kids have come up with over the years that you need some type of reference manual to keep up with their conversations.

Beagle = Bagel. I’m sure we got some looks when Dawson would ask if I was eating a beagle with cream cheese for breakfast.

Bless Yous = Sneezes.

Boppy = Pacifier.

Buck = Dawson’s 1st trail name at Brown Co.

Busy = Dizzy.

Buttercream, Buttercream = The famous saying that Dawson said for weeks before we figured out that it was a line from Rush Hour 2.

Catscratch = Root Beer. Teagan’s loved the cartoon Catscratch and one episode the cats drank gallons of rootbeer, so she started calling root beer “catscratch.”

Cheese Toast = Grilled cheese. Often served with red soup.

Chicken on the Bone = Fried Chicken.

Cracker Place = Cracker Barrel.

Congo Keys = Condo keys. Every day on vacation someone was in charge of the “congo keys.” Teagan took this responsibility very seriously.

Decorates = Christmas ornaments.

Ha-hoe = Tahoe.

Holly Hoop = Hula hoop. Also used to describe a wooden corkscrew go kart track in Florida.

Horsey Boots = Teal green rain boots that Sara gave Dawson that he insisted were his horse riding boots.

Hot Chicken = Buffalo chicken wings.

Lefty = Dawson’s current trail name at Brown Co.

Magic Potties = Self flushing toilets. They throw Teagan into a panic attack.

Monster Potty = The oblong toilet in our hall bathroom. Dave called it a “monster” potty because it was so big, and then Teagan was convinced the “monster” would eat her if she sat on it.

Red Soup = Tomato Soup. Often served with cheese toast.

Spider Monkey = Robby Gordon.

Sporting Dicks = Dick’s sporting goods store.

Sprinkles = Glitter.

Turtle = Roof top car carrier.

White Mans Face = Kentucky Fried Chicken. Also one that took forever to figure out, 3 trips around Plainfield until we pulled into the right restaurant.

World Serious = World series.

There you go, hopefully this will assist you in having a conversation with my family.

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Hurricane Honeymoon

Most people are convinced that the world revolves around them. 

I have examples of this.  It actually started early this morning while watching the morning news.  The big story of course was the weather, Hurricane Dean to be more specific.  Of course like all good Hurricane coverage should have there were video shots of really wild waves, palm trees blowing sideways, workers boarding up windows and then if the ‘cane is to hit a particlarly touristy destination (as most do – since  most ‘canes don’t make landfall in Piedmont North Dakota) they show overcrowded airports.  I swear that news stations have a standard script for Hurricane coverage that they just use over and over again and have fill-in-the-blanks for the name of the ‘cane and the city it is about to demolish.  OK so bad reporting aside, back to my point of the world revolving around people….  They interviewed a few people who were trying to get back to home from Cancun, most of their comments were reasonable:  “We’re just hoping to get out in time.”  and “The airline is doing the best they can to get everyone out.”  But then the jounalist found them.  You know them — if they were in Indiana they would be the ones on the news after the tornado saying, “Well we looked outside just in time to see the Johnson’s trailer just go flying up in the air and all I could think of was that Mable still had my best casserole dish from the last chruch pitch in.”  (That is a Mike phrase by the way)
Ok back to the airport interview….. I know I keep losing focus.  The first lady they spoke to was all dressed in her best beach attire and she irritatedly told the camera, “Here I am on my vacation and I’m stuck at the damn airport!”  And then came the best one, a cute couple dressed in shorts and flip flops — I think she might have even been crying.  “This is our Honeymoon!”  she told the reporter.  “We got here last night and they wouldn’t even let us check in to our hotel and now we’re just having to fly back.  So all we’ve done for our honeymoon is just fly here and now back!”
My jaw actually dropped as I watched this.  I found myself irritatedly talking back to the TV – I had no one else to talk to because Dawson had left for the bus stop.  I realize that Ms. Princess had just gotten off the “it’s all about me” white wedding express but did she not think to maybe check the weather before boarding the plane to Mexico?  Here’s a thought…. did you not think to call the hotel to see if they were going to accept guests in the wake of a Category 4 Hurricane?  Or better yet, did you not notice the evaccuation notices that were being posted for the Yucatan Pennisula?  I know weddings are a big thing and they are filled will lots of white satin and pink tafeta but was there so much fluff she didn’t notice that there was a whole world still going on outside her wedding?
Those are two very classic examples of the “it’s all about me” attitude that just sends me over the edge.  I understand the dissapointment of having planned and looked forward to a vaction to have some unforseen circumstance pop up and ruin it (although most of my dissapointments revolve around NASCAR races as opposed to tropical beaches).  But seriously, this is a Category 4 Hurricane, possibly a Category 5 by the time it makes landfall…..  People are going to lose their homes, businesses are going to be ruined, there were  people who died when Dean ripped through the Cayman Islands.  This is a lot more serious than your vacation or your honeymoon!  And you should be thankful that your going to get on the airplane……. 2 years ago when Hurricane Wilma hit Cancun some tourists were stranded there for 2 weeks.  So to the poor dissapointed princess bride who is now probably having to settle for the HoJo at Newar airport, don’t worry… every year Oprah gives away a dream Honeymoon if you can convince her your sob story is better than the 100 other sob stories she gets entitled “My honeymoon was ruined because………”  Hey maybe I should enter that contest…………  My honeymoon was ruined because somone said Branson, MO is a great place to visit and the Best Western in downtown St Louis is safe place to stay….of course it was safe because they had ARMED security guards in the lobby.  Yeah, cry me a river that your Cancun honeymoon was ruined by a hurricance…… you have no idea what a bad honeymoon is until you’ve been to Branson, MO where the biggest form of excitement is chosing between the Lawrence Welk dinner show or the Tony Orlando dinner show.

Well after the really bad experience withthe morning news I went to work where the remains of tropical depression Erin decided to show up in the form of some really nasty storms.  This did nothing but to feed my anger in the fact that everyone thinks the world revolves around them.  I’m  now going to add to my list of “911 dispatcher rules”……. Rule #31 – if you notice that outside it is pouring down rain, thundering and you see bright flashes of lightening do not call 911 and ask if an officer can come unlock the keys out of your car.  The answer is NO!  And then after being told no…Rule #31-A – Do not follow up with, well do you think if I call back in 20 min or so you could do it then?  The answer is still NO!  The answer is no because currently I’m dealing with 2 separate lightening strikes to buildings, the power in our building went off and our computers are running on a back up generator and everyone else in the world is calling to tell us that the traffic lights are out at US 31 and Main St.  Which rolls me right into Rule #721 – Do not call 911 to report a traffic light is out…..ever… but especially during a thunderstorm.  Trust me…. we know the traffic lights are out.  How do we know the traffic lights are out?  Because there is NO POWER in the whole area and when there is no power there are no traffic lights – that’s just basic common sense.  And that is not something a police officer or a firefighter or a paramedic can fix.  And if there’s ever a question in your mind that someone hasn’t called to report the traffic light out, look at the person in the car next to you (after all traffic is gridlocked at this point – no issue of taking your eyes off the road) and you will notice that person is on their cell phone.  Trust me, they are calling 911 to report the traffic light is out.  While I realize that this thunderstorm has rudely inturrupted you trip the the bank, dentist or mall — it does not allow you to call 911.  And don’t call 911 back to say that there isn’t a police officer directing traffic yet where the traffic light isn’t working.  See most officers tend to frown on standing outside during lightening storms just so your Hummer doesn’t get hit in the intersection because people can’t figure out how to negotiate a four way stop.

I’m just thankful that the storm wasn’t bad enough to have to set the severe weather sirens.  That would have thrown me into Rule #82 — Do not call 911 and ask “Is there a tornado?  Why are the sirens going off?”

For the most part….. 911 operators will just roll their eyes and give you some reassuring answer like “yes t
here is crew on the way to fix that traffic light.” or “the severe weather sirens are sounded because there is potential for severe weather and you should get to the lowest part of your home.”  There does come a point though when the 911 dispatcher will lose his or her composure  momentarily and if you happen to be that lucky caller you will more than likely hear an answer like this:  “Congratulations!!! you are the 500th person who has reported that traffic light out, if you’ll take a quick look around you you’ll notice that there is no power in that area.  And if you’ll take a bigger look around you you’ll notice that you’re in the middle of a thunderstorm – but don’t worry we’ve called God and he plans on having it all fixed pretty soon and since you’re involved I’m sure he’ll make it a high priority!”

Ode to the Southpaw

Ode to the Southpaw…….

I wasn’t going to blog today.  Mostly because when I am mad it is not a good time to blog – I tend to have an evil side that takes over.  So I have composed myself  enough to give my tribute to my left handed son.  I am actually a few days late, “International Left Handers Day” is Aug 13th.

I’ll start by pointing out the odd fact that the 40th, 41st and 42nd Presidents of the United States were (and are) left handed.  Also the 38th President of the United States was left handed.  For those of you not up on your presidential history…..that would be Gerald Ford (38th), Ronald Reagan (40th), George HW Bush (41st) and Bill Clinton (42nd).  So had it not been for Jimmy Carter there would have been a left handed President from August 9th, 1974 to January 19th, 2001.  But still not a bad stretch for the lefties from January 20th, 1981 to January 19th, 2001.

Other political and hisorically famous “port siders” include Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Iassac Newton, Prince Charles and Prince William, several of the Rockefellers, Fidel Castro (if he’s still really alive) and oddly both John F. Kennedy Jr and Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg.  The reason it is odd that both of the Kennedy children are left handed is because only 9% of children born to two right handed parents are left handed.

If you like late night TV both David Letterman and Jay Leno are lefties.  There are a lot of cartoonists who are left handed but one of the most famous is Matt Groening creator of The Simpsons.  Has anyone ever noticed that Bart Simpson is left handed?  Probably one of the most famous artists, Leonardo DiVincci, was left handed and often used mirrors when painting and writing.

The article that kicked this off was “Advantages of Left Handed Children – Sports.”  Sports that left handed kids do very well in are:   Bowling, Fencing, Badmitton, Tennis, Hockey (as a goalie – they catch w/ left hand) and Crickett.  The one sport left handed kids dominate in:  BASEBALL.  (You guys knew this left handed tirade had a point right?)  Lets start with the advantages while at bat:  1) Right handed pitchers have a hard time pitching to southpaws and their curve balls and sliding pitchs actually move toward the batter instead of away from him.  2) Batting left gives you a better angle to see the ball and 3) Leftys are 2-3 steps closer to first base giving them an advantage to beat out close calls at 1st base.  There are 4 positions lefty’s can’t play – 3rd base, shortstop, 2nd base and catcher.  Leaving the 1st base and pitcher (and the outfield) to the southpaws.  Left handed 1st basemen have a huge advantage because it is easier for them to catch balls coming from the shortstop.  And a good left handed pitcher is one of the most sought after player in MLB drafts.  Why?  1) They can easily see the runner on 1st while gearing up to pitch  2) The throwing arm of a lefty pitcher is more hidden from view of a righty batter, making it difficult for the batter to gauge the pitch as it’s being thrown. 3) Lefties naturally tend to throw the ball towards the left side of the plate (from the batter’s perspective), placing the pitch inside for a righty batter (which is more difficult to hit).  Although right handed pitchers will usually start the game, left handed pitchers are used strategically throughout the game.  Just a trivia tip:  the term “southpaw” was started by Chicago sportswriters in the 1890’s to describe left handed pitchers because in the Chicago Stadium the left handed pitchers faced south while on the pitching mound.

Who are some of the most famous left handed baseball players?  There are a lot – because being left handed is an advantage that only 8-15% of the population has.  Most of that 8-15% seems to play baseball.  This is just a few: Yogi Berra, Wade Boggs, Barry Bonds, Ty Cobb, Whitey Ford, Lou Gehrig, Ken Griffey, Jr., Reggie Jackson, “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, Tommy LaSorda, Don Mattingly (from Indiana), Rafael Palmeiro (from Cuba), “Neon” Dion Sanders and Daryl Strawberry.  So I think our odds of a 1/4-Cuban Southpaw from Indiana making the pros are increasing!

Oh yeah, and I forgot (actually I left it for a dramatic ending)………. The most famous left handed baseball player of all times, probably the most famous baseball player of all times (and Dawson’s all time favorite player):  The Sultan of Swat, The Home Run King, The Great Bambino,   The Babe………………………………………… George Herman “Babe” Ruth, Jr.  

 

Elvis, Bucky and Roller Derby

Today is pretty much totally random thoughts….. just a warning before you keep reading.  So maybe we’ll do this one as another set of “Odd Observations.”

#1 Roller Derby Last night we went to the State Fair (a.k.a Hillbilly Expo).  Some of the highlights included seeing Bucky Covington perform at the WFMS Freestage – he sang “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis.  (Elvis will come up later in this Blog so stay tuned)  We saw the fair parade for the 1st time.  In the fair parade were the “Naptown Roller Girls.”  Did anyone know that Indianapolis had a Roller Derby team?  I think that is a sport I could really get into, I think it would be an opportunity for me to get out all of my agressions after a stressful day at work.  Dave thinks I’d snap a hip.  But anyway, I researched it a bit today since I really had no idea exactly what a roller derby was.  They have specific positions like “pivot” and “jammer” and “blocker.”  And there’s actually a point to it, it’s not just girls dressed up like bad drag queens roller skating and beating the crap out of each other while roller skating in a circle.  One of the jammers has to fight through the pack to be the lead jammer and she scores points by passing the pack.  The trick is, the other team is trying to stop her from passing…….that’s where the pushing and shoving and stuff comes into play.  I mean how cool is a sport where you wear black fishnet stockings, really bad make up, roller skates, tank top and a skirt?  Not to mention that they all pick Official Roller Derby names like Kung Floozy, Doma Sk8trix, Judge Mental and my personal favorite Domestic Violet. Should I be concerned that they require you to carry additional health insurance?

#2  Bucky Covington Did someone really name their kid Bucky?  That’s one of those names that you come up with during a hormonal 2am pickle and peanut butter sandwich craving.  You know like when your hormones take over your brain and you think Clover sounds like a good name because it means luck. (That was for you B)

#3 Philippenes  After the fair we were watching Dateline about some rich Polo player entrepreneur from Hawaii who mysteriously disappeared after a “business” trip the the philippenes.  I’m not all knowing or anything but if someone is taking a “business” trip to the Philippenes, odds are he’s not in an business that’s on the up and up.  Sure enough, he had been shot in the head by his “business” partner and left along a dirt road.  Mostly I’m still trying to figure out why this was worthy of an entire hour long episode of Dateline.  I mean ship it over to the writers of CSI Miami and at least then it would have some entertainment value – you know Horatio promising the girlfriend he’d find the killer and driving off in the Hummer.  Isn’t there anything else out there to do a story on? 

#6 Iraq  Speaking of news stories….  Every morning on the Today Show Ann Curry says that a car bomb or a suicide bomber blew something up somewhere in Iraq, killing X amount of people and injuring X amount more people and then they show pictures of something that used to be a car on fire with bloody people crying and screaming.  Wouldn’t it be more of a news story if they could say “Not a damn thing blew up in Iraq last night and nobody was killed or injured.”

#5 Elvis and Marilyn  Why do people always put these two together?  This morning on the Today show a couple was dressed up as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe.  First of all the fact that there are people are holding memorials and tributes today (Elvis died on Aug 16, 1977) absolutely blows my mind.  I could see it on his birthday (maybe) but I don’t get the whole memorializing his death thing.  I like Elvis songs, I will even  admit that one night I got sucked into watching Blue Hawaii on AMC, but I don’t understand the obsession people have with him.  Of course I was only 6 when he died and even then I was confused because Aunt Marilyn called my mom crying like a family member had died.  ANYWAY…… I still don’t see why people always put Elvis and Marilyn todether other than they were both celebrities who died of drug overdoses.  Even the movie Happy Feet has a penguin named “Memphis” marry a penguin named “Norma Jean.”  Well at any rate……… God rest The King. 

“Elvis has left the building”

 

 

When I grow up….

“Mommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”  Teagan asked.  I laughed.  “I don’t know yet.” was my reply.  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Well, we’ll think about that later…..

So I asked Teagan the same question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Without a moments hesitation, “Hannah Montana.”  “You can’t be Hannah Montana,” Dawson told her rolling his eyes “Hannah Montana is already a person.”  So then they tried to come up with her stage name:  Hannah Montana Teagan was the best she could come up with.  So the question was asked to Dawson, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Again without a moment’s hesitation, “Major League Baseball player.”  Whew!  I was worried there for awhile that Dave and I wouldn’t ever be able to retire, but with a pop star and MLB player I should be set for life.

I tend to overthink things a lot.  I know its not that schocking.  But I started to worry that Dawson really thinks he’s just going to sail through high school and college and sign a $6 million dollar contract with the White Sox.  I’ve researched and researched and the best answer I can come up with is that 1 in 63 youth baseball players will play “professional” ball.  Which seems a bit off kilter if you ask me…… but they don’t define “professional” baseball as being in the major league.  I mean sure 1 in 63 people could probably be playing for the Charleston River Dogs at the “A” level making $750 a month.  But that’s not quite the same as living the life of A-Rod and Derek Jeter.  At $750 a month he’s going to be living at home with me and Dave and cutting grass for the neighbors for extra cash.  Of course he has a back up plan…… I mean when he makes it to the major league he does plan on opening a baseball camp for kids and also he’s going to have his own baseball equipment line.  So don’t wory we’ll be stocked up with “Dawson Baughn” bats and mitts – he really wants to concentrate on equipment for southpaws, since it’s harder than hell to find a right handed mitt anymore. 

I guess 1 in 63 isn’t that bad, I mean if you get to play any minor league ball you do increase your chances of working your way up to the majors.

Then there’s Teagan.  The odds of becoming a pop star…….. well no one can really tell you, but it’s like 1 in 4 or 5 hundred thousand.  Not quite as hard as winning the lottery but pretty darn close.  I mean “10’s of thousands” of people show up to audition for American Idol and only about 150-200 ever make it to Hollywood. And add to it the fact that she can’t sing…… well that’s got to shoot it up to at least 1 in a million.  I shouldn’t say she can’t sing…….. she gives it her all, knows all the words too…but like her mom can’t carry a tune to save her life.  I’m not too worried about Teagan, after all 2 months ago she wanted to be a “hospital worker.”  Not necessarily a doctor, but a “hospital worker.”

I’m not sure why I’m worried at all, when I was 5 I wanted to be one of “Charlies Angels.”  That didn’t work out so well for me, but I’m OK.  And according to Mamaw Baughn when Dave was 5 he wanted to be a fireman………… Ok so that’s not helping me make my point very well.

So I guess I’ll just keep quiet when my kids tell me they want to be a pop star and a MLB player and hope somewhere along life’s journey they become interested in something else like marine biology or medical school.

After all……. I still haven’t figured out what I wanna be when i grow up.

Ode to Houchins

Today’s topic is not for the faint at heart.  You will notice I am writing in brown.  Yes there is a reason for that, and I’m sure based on the picture above you can guess where this is going.  Suprisingly, it does not involve Teagan or either of the dogs.  If you’re brave enough keep reading……….

The majority of people I work with are men.  Even in dispatch all of the people I work with on a regular basis with the exception of Cathy are male.  For some reason men like to talk about their poop.   At least the men I work with do.  Several times a day the topic of discussion revolves around bowel movements. 

It usually starts out with something that sounds like “it smelled so bad the dog gagged.”  Men have all kinds of nicknames to describe their excrement too.  Names like “submarine” (especially stinky and quickly hits bottom of toliet),  “Mt Fugi” (large pile with peak sticking out of the water) and the ever popular “Choclate KoolAid Machine” and “Hershey Squirts” (well …. use your own imagination).  These are just some of the more popular one’s I hear about on a daily basis.

They use various criteria to come up with compairisons including but not limited to: length, width, circumference, color, texture, volume, odor, splash, and number of flushes required.  Honestly the way some of them talk I think they may need medical attention.  The words “too much information” pop out of mouth on a daily basis.  One day I would love to freak them all out — can you imagine what their reaction would be to a female describing certain monthy bodily funtions in great detail to them?

I have learned a few things from them though.  Since most of them all hunt and/or fish (code names for drinking beer in a remote location away from thier wives) I have learned various techniques for using the bathroom while visiting mother nature.  For instance the usage of one’s sock if an emergency poop arises and you have no toilet paper.  The sock is apparently is preferable to using such items as leaves or other natural things.  They never did tell me what you do with the sock after you use it, but I hope putting it back on is not an option.  My thought is great, now one foot is going to get cold.  The sock option is for when you are in the woods and I’m pretty sure it had some clever nickname, but I can’t remember it.  The guys who fish ……….. well that’s a different story.  I guess if the need to “drop a duece” hits you while boating the proper thing to do so as not to corrupt the air in and around your boat is to swim approximately 10-15 feet away and “release the chocolate hostages” in the lake.  Makes you want to dive right in to Lake Monroe doesn’t it?  It’s bad enough to swim in a lake and think of all the fish and nasty that’s in there without adding that level to it.  According to the source it is the cleanest feeling you will have after defication.  Seriously doubt I will be trying that one soon.

So with all this information, I’ll leave you with a few of the more favorite “Euphemism’s” for pooping: Prairie Doggin’, See a man about a pony, Take the Browns to the Superbowl, Watch the Jamaican bobsled team, and Making Butt Coffee.  There is a nickname in our family that we have our sister to thank for that I’ve never heard anywhere else and that is “BOBO.”

According to the the officer who usually instigates the daily doo doo discussion, the reason it is so funny is because it is universal.  You could take a modern man in a time machine back to the Roman Empire and all he’d have to do to fit in is break wind.  It is a male bonding tool that I have been lucky enough to be included in.  Trust me, that is just my luck too!  I couldn’t win the lottery to save my life, but I lucked into learning all about male bonding over shit.

If you need more information on this subject it can be found in many places on the internet.  Some of the websites I found while writing this are: www.thechurning.com and www.poopnames.com and one I didn’t visit but the guys talk about frequently is www.ratemypoo.com.