Ode to Houchins

Today’s topic is not for the faint at heart.  You will notice I am writing in brown.  Yes there is a reason for that, and I’m sure based on the picture above you can guess where this is going.  Suprisingly, it does not involve Teagan or either of the dogs.  If you’re brave enough keep reading……….

The majority of people I work with are men.  Even in dispatch all of the people I work with on a regular basis with the exception of Cathy are male.  For some reason men like to talk about their poop.   At least the men I work with do.  Several times a day the topic of discussion revolves around bowel movements. 

It usually starts out with something that sounds like “it smelled so bad the dog gagged.”  Men have all kinds of nicknames to describe their excrement too.  Names like “submarine” (especially stinky and quickly hits bottom of toliet),  “Mt Fugi” (large pile with peak sticking out of the water) and the ever popular “Choclate KoolAid Machine” and “Hershey Squirts” (well …. use your own imagination).  These are just some of the more popular one’s I hear about on a daily basis.

They use various criteria to come up with compairisons including but not limited to: length, width, circumference, color, texture, volume, odor, splash, and number of flushes required.  Honestly the way some of them talk I think they may need medical attention.  The words “too much information” pop out of mouth on a daily basis.  One day I would love to freak them all out — can you imagine what their reaction would be to a female describing certain monthy bodily funtions in great detail to them?

I have learned a few things from them though.  Since most of them all hunt and/or fish (code names for drinking beer in a remote location away from thier wives) I have learned various techniques for using the bathroom while visiting mother nature.  For instance the usage of one’s sock if an emergency poop arises and you have no toilet paper.  The sock is apparently is preferable to using such items as leaves or other natural things.  They never did tell me what you do with the sock after you use it, but I hope putting it back on is not an option.  My thought is great, now one foot is going to get cold.  The sock option is for when you are in the woods and I’m pretty sure it had some clever nickname, but I can’t remember it.  The guys who fish ……….. well that’s a different story.  I guess if the need to “drop a duece” hits you while boating the proper thing to do so as not to corrupt the air in and around your boat is to swim approximately 10-15 feet away and “release the chocolate hostages” in the lake.  Makes you want to dive right in to Lake Monroe doesn’t it?  It’s bad enough to swim in a lake and think of all the fish and nasty that’s in there without adding that level to it.  According to the source it is the cleanest feeling you will have after defication.  Seriously doubt I will be trying that one soon.

So with all this information, I’ll leave you with a few of the more favorite “Euphemism’s” for pooping: Prairie Doggin’, See a man about a pony, Take the Browns to the Superbowl, Watch the Jamaican bobsled team, and Making Butt Coffee.  There is a nickname in our family that we have our sister to thank for that I’ve never heard anywhere else and that is “BOBO.”

According to the the officer who usually instigates the daily doo doo discussion, the reason it is so funny is because it is universal.  You could take a modern man in a time machine back to the Roman Empire and all he’d have to do to fit in is break wind.  It is a male bonding tool that I have been lucky enough to be included in.  Trust me, that is just my luck too!  I couldn’t win the lottery to save my life, but I lucked into learning all about male bonding over shit.

If you need more information on this subject it can be found in many places on the internet.  Some of the websites I found while writing this are: www.thechurning.com and www.poopnames.com and one I didn’t visit but the guys talk about frequently is www.ratemypoo.com.

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