Anatomy of a Bulldog

I like to tell people I was not all about buying a bulldog.  It was all Dave’s idea and he has a knack for making it sound like it was all Teagan’s idea.  The two of them would go to the pet store and look at bulldog puppies and ohh and ahh.  The truth is I’m a sucker for animals particularly dogs so buying a bulldog was something I knew would eventually happen.  The rational side of me started researching bulldogs.  English bulldogs – you know the rolly polly barrel chested ones that you see everywhere – they have 1000’s of medical problems.  Weight problems, gastrointestinal problems, breathing problems the list was endless.  So calculating the initial cost of a bulldog and adding in the cost of medical I decided a bulldog was entirely too much money.  Plus I wanted a dachshund.  Or something small-ish from the pound. 

Then it happened.  We went to the pet store and there he was.  A tiny little 11 pound wrinkled mess of a puppy.  Of course the kids were in love with him.   I had my concerns because this wasn’t an English Bulldog it was an Olde English Bulldogge.  The owner assured us there weren’t as many medical problems because it was a cross-breed of an American Bulldog and an English Bulldog.  He then explained how this bulldog would be taller and less chesty than his English cousins.  OK I’ll admit the way he was nibbling on my toes was starting to make him cuter and I’m a sucker for puppies.  That was all Dave needed – he saw me warming up to the puppy and before you know it we had purchased a bulldog puppy.  Dave does have a knack for this as the above sentence could also be completed in the following ways:  we had purchased a camper, we had purchased a red minivan, we had purchased a HD TV…. the list is lengthy.

Recently we have given our Bully a little more liberties in the house because we now know what specific things he likes to chew on.  We decided over Christmas break to let him start sleeping with us instead of  being confined.  More specifically he was to be sleeping with Dawson, but he likes our bed better.  The first night wasn’t too bad… I say that kind of like you might say a minor car accident wasn’t too bad.  Teagan usually falls asleep with us and then is placed in her bed or in the fold out bed next to ours.  She decided to move directly to the fold out for fear of waking up with half her arm being gnawed on.  The dog weighs half what I do and takes up twice as much space.  Add to this he is a restless sleeper.  He kicks and bucks and moves about all night.  And the reason I let him continue to sleep there is purely selfish.  If he is confined he starts to whine at exactly 6:59am for food but when he’s sleeping with us he will hold out until at least 8:30 before he demands food.

Last night I had a nightmare that I was being chased by a train.  I know trains don’t chase people but it was a dream.  Not fully awake I realized the train wasn’t a train it was snoring.  Without opening my eyes I told Dave to stop snoring.  It didn’t work so I opened my eyes and found the source of the snoring.  This is what I saw.

And then he licked my face.  He was all snuggled up on my pillow, partially under the comforter and completely sure that he was supposed to be there.  I attempted to push and pull and move him back to the end of the bed with limited success and went back to sleep.  The snoring started again.  Not your everyday snoring but the kind of snoring that will wake the dead.  Then as I got up to move him again I began wondering if they make those anti snoring nose strips for dogs.  As I got near the back-end of the dog he farted.  If he woke the dead with his snoring he would have sent them back to the grave with the gas.

This is when I began to understand the complex anatomy of a bulldog.  Starting at the head:  6 inch thick skull that can headbutt it’s way through a fence, cute little black outlined eyes that always look sad so you’re inclined to give them anything they want, giant floppy wrinkly lips that really do nothing but drool from time to time, protruding bottom teeth that are good for opening things other dogs can’t  – “can opener” style, a giant tongue that loves to give kisses when he’s done something bad, a giant neck that is hard to find collar’s for and an even bigger chest that is hard to find harnesses for.  Then you get to what I call the “accordion.”  The “accordion” is the bulldog’s belly and it works accordion style.  It squishes up then blows air out each end – thus producing both the snoring and the farting at the same time.  Maybe more like bagpipes – based solely on volume because I think bagpipes make more noise than accordions.  And finally there is the stubby tail which whips back and forth at a dizzying pace. 

There you have the anatomy of a bulldog.  I will not ever have another one… I swear – at least until Dave finds another cute puppy…….

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