Roundabouts And Other Traffic Hazards of Suburbia

Driving in suburbia has become increasingly dangerous thanks to the latest idea by brilliant city and town planners to assist the flow of traffic.  The new cool trend in all the best suburban settings are roundabouts.  If you really want to watch people struggle with driving throw a circle in the middle of the road.  Some people stop and sit as car after car after car goes through the roundabout apparently waiting  for someone to let them in or also come to a stop.  Others (like certain drivers in my own family) think they are a way to jockey for better position if you have been trapped behind a slow driver.  And still countless others have tried unsuccessfully to just continue to go straight – disregarding the bushes, flowers and trees planted in the middle of the roundabout to deter this.  But the roundabout is just a new hazard in the suburban setting.  There are countless others to speak of.

Another one of the newer driving dangers in suburbia is the dual left turn lane.  Several busy intersections have them now.  Again a brilliant engineer thought that by having two turn lanes he would cut down on the amount of time you have to wait to turn – and it does.  However the dual turn lanes have several problems.  Some immediately go back down to one lane after you negotiate the turn thereby causing drivers again to have to jockey for position.  Also many people do not realize that there are two turn lanes so they turn and swing wide into the other lane where there is typically another turning car.  Then after the drivers start to get used to having dual turn lanes in certain intersections they start to think there are dual turn lanes at all stop lights and just turn whenever they feel like it from which ever lane they are in.

Prior to the double turn lane there was and still are a multitude of what I like to refer to as “suicide” turn lanes.  These are the lanes that are usually in the middle of a 4 lane road.  They go down the middle and have arrows showing you can turn both directions.  So basically as you are trying to turn left from the northbound or eastbound lanes while someone else is coming at you head on also trying to turn left from the southbound or westbound lanes.  This was the best idea of them all – obviously designed by someone who wanted to test the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety ratings for head on collisions.

One other thing to add to the list might surprise you.  The popularity and increased media coverage of NASCAR.  Yeah this may be a stretch, but seriously there are countless suburban dads out there attempting to “bump draft” in the family truckster.  Some are easier to spot than others because they will have their loyalty to Tony Stewart or Jeff Gordon displayed in countless bumper stickers on their back window but others you can’t spot until they are trying to get the drop on you during a “restart” at the stoplight.  I feel a little bit sorry for them… the soccer dad’s you know.  Because no matter how much they pretend they are driving the last lap at Bristol eventually the reality that they are driving a Honda Odyessy will set in.

Lets not forget traffic lights.  Yes traffic lights.  Your basic 4 way stop controlled by a stoplight.  See these are great…. until they don’t work.  For whatever reason (i.e. power outage, accident etc) when the stop lights stop working so do suburbanites brains.  No one seems to remember how to negotiate a 4 way stop.  But never fear, all suburbanites carry their handy-dandy cell phones to call 911 and let them know the traffic light is out and they should send a police officer out right away to direct traffic before there is a horrible accident.

These are just a few of the reason’s that soccer mom’s have to drive SUV’s (Sport Utility Vehicle).  Or as I like to call them SAV’s (Suburban Assault Vehicle).  Well that combined with the fact that we basically live in them.  Seriously I have logged more hours this week in the SAV than I have in my own bed.  They also tend to be somewhat intimidating in the roundabouts, suicide lanes, stop lights, dual turn lanes and to the NASCAR dads.

Luckily American suburbanites will never be faced with the driving challenge like the one posed by going from mainland China (driving on the right side of road) to Hong Kong (driving on the left side of road).  Some architects have come up with a solution called a “flipper bridge.”  This bridge basically makes a figure 8 and switches you from driving on the right side of the road to driving on the left side of the road – while driving on bridge over a large body of water.  Yeah…. I’d like to try that soon.

With that in mind I’d like to suggest something new and fun.  I think we should let Putt Putt course designers start designing our roads.  I’m looking forward to seeing a water hazard or a windmill in the middle of the road soon.  Better yet…. the swinging logs!  Oh sure the swinging logs in the middle of the road might be a bit much, but think how much fun it would be to watch the jerk who’s been tailgating and honking at you get whacked by one.  And an added plus to having the Putt Putt designers making our roadways we would have lovely fake palm trees, assortments of concrete wild animals and glow in the dark curbs.  Of course there would be the problem of the loop-de-loop – it might be tough to negotiate.  Oh wait… they already have a loop-de-loop, it’s just that it’s flattened out and called a roundabout.

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Worth my weight in Gold

weight (weyt)–noun 1.

the amount or quantity of heaviness or mass; amount a thing weighs
I do not like the current pre-occupation the media has with what everyone should weigh.  Well… not just the media but everyone in general.  I can see why.  I saw it the other day while at a baseball game.  There were several people who could barely fit into a stadium seat.  Several.  I hear daily on various TV shows that as a nation we are overweight and out of shape.  And I don’t disagree.  But I also disagree with the media monsters who are trying to make us into stick figures.
Case in point:  my 11-year-old son who weighs 75lbs (with a roll of quarters in his pocket) can wear a women’s size small.  He wanted a Puma jacket and the Puma outlet store doesn’t sell children’s sizes, so we found a black Puma jacket in the women’s section.  Size Small.  At the baseball game we visited the souvenir shop and they had a selection of “women’s” t-shirts and jerseys.  Although I didn’t make him try them on I doubt the small would have fit him.  Based on several of the women I saw at the game I have a feeling they are losing money in the women’s t-shirt section.
So to be a size small I would need to weigh roughly 75lbs – or basically the size and shape of an 11-year-old boy.  What is that like a size “0”?  I didn’t even weigh that in my skinny days.  I think I weighed that in the 5th grade.  And in case you really want to feel bad about yourself visit Aeropostal where the ladies jeans sizes start at 3/4.  No that’s not a size 3 or 4 it’s a size 3/4 – as in less than 1.  At this rate by the time my daughter is in high school they will have a size “E” for “evaporated” or “emaciated.”
We were flipping through the TV channels the other day at work and came across a station that plays black & white shows like “I Love Lucy” and “Green Acres.”  I had to laugh at the general “nosy neighbor” character I saw on both shows.  The middle-aged woman who is dressed in a frumpy dress to hide her size 12 figure next to the star who is about a size 8ish.  Girls from the day had curves!  Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 thank you very much.  Today the “nosy neighbor” is usually a size 4 (on Desperate Housewives there is a standard size 2) wearing 4 inch stiletto heels, micro mini skirt and cleavage popping halter top.
Now all my ranting aside I don’t plan on suing anyone anytime soon.  Like the poor girl who is suing Hooters because they don’t make her size of orange shorts.  I guess her life long dream is to be a Hooters girl (side note:  aim higher in life).  But much to her dismay, Hooters girls shorts come in 3 sizes:  extra small, small and medium (side note: I know this because one of the girls I used to work with worked at Hooters).  So I’m guessing based on the size charts referenced above, the most you could weigh to work at Hooters is about 115 – 120lbs.  She has decided to sue Hooters to provide a size large shorts.  Now although I don’t agree with current sizing charts I also live in the real world where I would love to advise this young girl one thing:  No body wants to see 10 lbs of sausage stuffed into a 5 lb sack.  If they don’t make your size shorts, it means you shouldn’t be wearing them in the first place! 
But that is a whole different topic to blog about……. why you should own a full length mirror.

5K Weekend

750,000 – number of text messages Teagan sent from B’s phone in 24 hours.  (actually the amount of money raised for the American Brain Tumor Association.)

Epic Weather Event – there were two.  The first was driving through Lafayette in pouring down rain but needing my sunglasses because the sun was blinding.  B has a nice picture of the rainbow on her phone…  The 2nd was the intense fog in Chicago.  From Soldier Field you could not see the Sears tower.

The One Stop Fun Stop – This is the gas station we stopped at in Chalmers, IN to potty and buy drinks.  Shout out to Rich Kelly from Chalmers, IN.

Chocolate Cake – What Teagan thought she would be allowed to eat for dinner at Portillos.

Best Continental Breakfast – The Fairfield Inn & Suites in Merrillville.  The hotel itself left a lot to be desired, but they had the best breakfast offerings including:  Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches, several kinds of yogurt, muffins, doughnuts, bagels, a waffle maker, cereal, fresh fruit, coffee, milk……..  yeah you get the idea 🙂

Worst Directions – from the GPS on B’s phone (later named Caroline because of her British accent) who told us to take 912.  912 is the road that goes to no where except steel plants in Gary.  Caroline kept telling us to “Make a legal U-turn” — Caroline has never been to Gary, IN.

The Bubble Gum Test – Teagan still calls Bubba Gump’s “Bubble Gum’s” by mistake or just because she is 7 it’s hard to tell.  On the kids menu there are questions about the movie like “What was the name of Forrest’s boat?”  Teagan sat an answered every one in alternating colors of crayon like she was taking a test.

Checking the Route for Traffic – Caroline….we are on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago, by the time you check the route for traffic we will have passed the exit for Navy Pier and been run over by 16 Taxi’s.  PS Caroline you can’t make a legal U-turn on Lake Shore Dr either!

150 – height of the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel that Teagan was soooooo excited to ride.

“Hi Barry? Yeah Teagan Baughn here…” On the way home B was teasing Teagan that they had passed a new law that you had to be 18 to have a cell phone.  Teagan became immediately defensive saying “I’ll call somebody and ask!” and B said “Who are you going to call?” Without a moment’s hesitation she answered very matter-of-factly “Barack Obama.”