This started out as just a simple Facebook post but (much like Twitter) some things just take more than 144 characters.
It started out as a simple trip to the foot doctor. But if you’ve ever tried to drive in the suburbs between 5 and 6 you know you move exactly 10 mph in bumper to bumper minivans and crossovers and a trip that should take 10 minutes takes 1 hour. So this all started with my 13-year-old playing his Ipod on the car stereo. First came Eminem. When I knew the words to “I’m not afraid” it became suddenly uncool and was switched to LMFAO and when I started singing along to “Sexy and I know it” (Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle yeah) – it also became totally uncool. Because lets face it when your 13 anything your mom likes is totally not cool. This went on the entire way to the foot doctor… until he stumped me with ‘Lil Wayne. Which was then turned off because…wow… lets just say there’s a reason I don’t know ‘Lil Wayne lyrics. This is probably the point where a “good” parent would have taken the Ipod and deleted a song that “muthaf**ker” was the first word – I, however, did not. Why? What’s the point? I know his computer/hacker genius BFF that lives 2 houses down will simply replace it tomorrow (along with jailbreaking it, hacking his sisters Itunes account and pretty much anything you see computer geniuses do on TV — and he’s 13). It seemed pointless. And I did reprimand him and threaten to tell his soccer coach if I ever heard it again.
The doctor’s office was largely unremarkable except I had to keep telling both of them to stop talking when we were in the waiting room. They can be loud. And the very kind lady who was also waiting asked me politely how old they were. “9 and 13” I said, “It seemed like a good idea when they were 5 and 1 but not so much now.” She laughed and reminded me that some day I would miss these times. I’m sure I will — which is why I’m writing this.
On the way home the Ipod battle started again but luckily his died a few minutes in so he switched to mine. We did a few laps around what few rap songs I have in my Ipod and then he found “Red Solo Cup” by Toby Keith. Which he played because once upon a time when he was still a cute little 9-year-old he loved to sing “Beer for my Horses.” (Even as I type it I see the Bad Parent stamp coming out). Anyway back to “Red Solo Cup” — I guess I really hadn’t listened too carefully to it because in the first verse Toby says testicles. Of course the 13-year-old doesn’t miss the opportunity to point out that I now had a song with inappropriate lyrics. And considering the whole song is basically an ode to a plastic cup obviously written while totally wasted I figured arguing the point was not in my best interest.
Then came my moment of glory. I saw a glimpse of the cute and adorable former 9-year-old boy and my heart started to melt as he was flipping through my playlist and he asked “What happened to Yellow Submarine?” Bad Parent stamp be damned he still remembered our goofy times singing Yellow Submarine over and over again because he thought it was so funny. We couldn’t find it and were wondering what had happened to all my Beatles music — possibly lost in the great computer crash from October. Then a little voice pipes up from the backseat, “Who are the Beatles?”
Yes the car came to a screeching halt. Luckily the Dodge charger next to us was able to pull an evasive maneuver in the roundabout (i.e. taking out half the decorative bushes and curb in the middle) and missed us. “Are you kidding me?” I thought I said it, but it wasn’t me it was Dawson. Needless to say Teagan was informed if she ever asked that question again she would be forcibly removed from the vehicle.
Close to home Dawson found “We are the Champions” which we sang as loud as we could. As we entered the quiet peaceful neighborhoods however he flipped to Chamillionaire and we were “Ridin’ Dirty.” Now this is where the Facebook post came into play. Apparently it is frowned upon in the suburban establishment to very loudly blast a song about ridin’ dirty (defined by urban dictionary as driving in an automobile while having at least a felony charge worth of illegal drugs and or unregistered firearms with you) in your designated soccer mom SUV while riding with your children in the car. And if you’ve never heard that song it does have an awesome thump to it when you crank the bass. The elderly couple walking their poodle didn’t seem to think the bass was cool though — by the way Mr & Mrs Elderly Couple it’s 38 degrees outside you should probably consider getting Fifi a fence.
The bad parenting didn’t stop there because as I was making dinner they kids were playing Midnight Club LA on Xbox — basically a game where you run from the police and win points for evading them. Dawson was driving and Teagan was his lookout who kept yelling “POLICIA POLICIA!!” whenever she saw a cop car. I have no idea where or when she learned the word for police in Spanish but I’m at least glad she wasn’t yelling “5-0 5-0.”
Teagan noticed tonight I hadn’t written anything on my Christmas Wish List on the refrigerator and she asked me “what do you want (pause for effect) a new life?” No Teagan…. I will keep this one… without it I couldn’t write.
………….. Maybe I should ask Santa for some spinners for the Trailblazer……..