Diets & Facelifts for Bullies

The Bully Diet.  Not bully like being mean to people.  But bully as in bulldog.  Although a lot of personal trainers do come close to the definition of bully …. Jillian maybe?  Anyway this is my 3AM-Infomercial-on-12-channels mega million dollar idea. 

Recently on a trip to the vet I was told my bulldog was overweight.  I prefer the term “husky” or “fluffy.”  The vet – having no sense of humor – prefers the term overweight.  Obese even.  Obtuse if you’re my daughter – which mathematically speaking is correct as it describes a fat triangle.  This was a new vet so I was preparing myself for next excuse of why we didn’t feed him “light” dog food.  It was all there on the tip of my tongue:  it gives him gas, it makes him shed, he has a delicate digestive system.  The truth is that’s $75 a bag and he can eat that in less than a month and I barely spend that on meat for the four of us so it seems dis-proportionate to the family budget.  But before I got even one of the faux excuses out the vet surprised me.  He told me to cut what I feed him in half and then pour a cup or more of green beans on top of his food.  The green beans fill him up with very few calories and then he gets the protein and yummies from his normal dog food.

What a brilliant idea!  I wasn’t really sure that the dog would eat the green beans but he did.  He looked at me funny but he ate them.  And if you warm them up in the microwave the green bean juice mixes with the dog food and it makes gravy.  Anyone remember Gravy Train dog food?  What a great vet – although I’m still trying to find the “gallon jar of green beans” that he suggested we buy.  I’m guessing he doesn’t go grocery shopping much.  But it’s OK, we can buy the 58 cent cans of Great Value French cut green beans – he prefers French cut.  What? He told me.

So one night when threatening my kids that I would pour green beans on their food like I did Bam’s so they would eat some form of a vegetable – it hit me.  This is my money maker.  I could write a “diet” book with various forms of green bean styles and varieties then discuss the nutritional value of green beans and then diagram the 7 day diet.  Day One – Step 1) Pick your favorite breakfast food:  pancakes.  Step 2) cut the amount you normally eat in half.  Step 3) Pour a cup or more of green beans on top of it.  Repeat for lunch and dinner.

I can see it now!  Ladies with my book sitting in their office lunch rooms pouring green beans on ½ slices of pizza and small French fries.  Think you need a milkshake for a snack?  Go ahead – just cut it in half and pour a cup of beans on top.  Sounds yummy doesn’t it?  Chocolate-Green bean shake.  I can see my infomercial now!  Hire a few plus size models (because now a size 8 is “plus size”) with a really bad script about how they can’t lose weight – then enter the super models (size 0 or less) smiling and sharing their secret tips.  There will be whole table full of food – pizza, ice cream, hot dogs, chicken sandwiches…. All topped with green beans!  And I will enjoy watching the super models try and choke down a dish of chocolate ice cream a’la green bean.

I hear you naysayers out there.  But really – sillier diet fads have succeeded.  Well if not succeeded at least they have made their creators a couple of bucks before someone proved they were medically unsafe or found to have no effect on long term weight loss.  Look them up there are hundreds:  the lemonade diet, the cabbage soup diet, the chocolate diet, the 7 day diet, the Russian Air Force Diet.  (I’ll be right back I’m just slightly distracted by the chocolate diet.)

I am a little nervous about using this vet’s suggestions.  In the same trip he also suggested a facelift for the dog.  No, sadly I’m not kidding.  Bam seems to have some type of an eye fold issue on his right eye.  The vet mentioned a very quick procedure to fix this problem which is actually a lack of wrinkle around the eye instead of the opposite for humans.  Gallons of green beans, face lifts for bulldogs – this vet is truly missing the financial windfall available in the wee hours of the morning.

Well for all of you 3AM Facebook surfers who are simultaneously scanning all of those channels playing infomercials (you know who you are) – look for my book soon.  Do you think Anthony Sullivan will do my infomercial?  I think the Austrailian accent would really add a selling touch.  Soon I’ll be bumping elbows with the creators of Eggies, Flex Seal, Magic Mesh, Sticky Buddy and the Perfect Tortilla pan.  Until then just remember:

pour a cup of green beans on it!

(Hmmm….. maybe “Glitta Nails” would sell better?  Oh I’m sure Snookie already has that market cornered)