The Egg McMuffin was first introduced at McDonald’s 40 years ago. In 40 years I’ve never had a problem ordering an Egg McMuffin — OK maybe the last 5 years because to be honest I really never ate McDonald’s for breakfast when I was younger. I’ve even been ultra fancy and ordered one with a “folded egg” instead of the regular egg and not had a problem. But leave it to fate that one day when my husband and I pooled all our stray $1’s together and decided to hit up the Mickey D’s before grocery shopping so we didn’t end up buying too much that an Egg McMuffin would become a problem.
First of all the guy taking our order didn’t inspire a lot of confidence as he was probably 30 and had sleeve tattoo’s on both arms. I’m not dogging on sleeve tattoos, but I like them better when I see them on a body builder, tattoo artist, mixed martial arts fighter, reality TV star who does something with motorcycles, professional athlete…. not someone who is taking my food order or worse, making my food. And he was wearing his McCap with a slight tilt to one side — because nothing says “gangsta” like tilting your McDonald’s hat to the side while working in the middle of the suburbs. And again…. he was about 30. I realize now that I had way too high expectations for McDonald’s.
Anyway, my husband ordered a combo meal. So in an effort to not get A)charged for a combo meal and/or B)get one of those greasy hash brown’s I said, “I’d like just an Egg McMuffin and a Diet Coke.” The first clue something was wrong should have been the long pause and him not pushing any of the preset and picture coded button’s on the cash register that my 10-year-old could operate. He looked up at me oddly and said “I’ll have to make that.” I was thinking, “OK, kinda figured that would be the next step in this process.” Then he started pushing button after button after button and I got that sinking feeling that something was wrong. I knew I should have just said “Number 1 Combo Meal please.” Then I could just give Dave the extra hash brown, or thrown it away. We paid, got our drinks, and then our meal was waiting on our tray. When I unwrapped mine I had an egg and a muffin. Which technically could be considered an Egg McMuffin – I guess. So I looked at the receipt and it said Egg McMuffin no cheese, no bacon. Odd, I hadn’t asked for no cheese or no bacon. So Dave took it to the counter and said “My wife wanted an Egg McMuffin… with the cheese and the bacon.” He brought back a new wrapper. I unwrapped it and had a muffin, a cold piece of cheese and a slab of Canadian bacon, no egg.
I was at a loss for words. Well not exactly as I recall saying very loudly “How the fuck hard is it to fix an Egg McMuffin?” That does NOT go over well in Soccer-Mom-World — hey it’s not like we were in the PlayPlace or anything. And unfortunately it attracted the attention of the seemingly nice older gentleman next to me who was frustrated at trying to make a call on his cell phone — he smiled at me. This would later be my ultimate un-doing at the McDonald’s but we’ll come back to that. I started to take my disaster of a breakfast up to counter and stopped and sat back down and said “I’ll just eat this.” But my adoring husband took the wrapper went back to the counter where he successfully managed to convey that he wished for an Egg McMuffin with the egg, cheese and bacon. SUCCESS!! Sort of – I still had the cold cheese, bacon and I’m pretty sure the same egg from the original sandwich that may or may not have been dug out of the trash and thrown back on the muffin at this point.
As I started eating I thought that my trip to McDonald’s couldn’t get worse. I was wrong. Remember smiley older guy? He finally got that call made, he had to go outside because they kept firing up the McCafe machine and he couldn’t hear over all that noise, but he returned to sit with his nearly same age male friend. And they struck back up their conversation. Then Dave & both noticed a late-model pick up come barreling in the parking lot nearly striking another vehicle in the process — out popped a similarly aged male who then joined the other two. At this point I’m realizing they eat here everyday as one of the girls who was working came out with some hotcakes and they all called her by name and offered her to come sit with them. She did.
They asked why she wasn’t there the day before and this started a tirade of how her hours kept getting cut. Still trying to focus on my cold, tasteless muffin I simply wanted to finish breakfast and leave, but the conversation at the table next to us became too overwhelming to ignore. After McLinzee (not her actual name – names were changed to protect privacy….and because I have no idea what her actual name is) finished her anti-McDonald’s rant one of the men started saying he could relate because his hours at Pizza Hut had been cut too. Well what he actually said was “Obama had cut his hours at Pizza Hut.” Odd, I had no idea the President of the United States owned a Pizza Hut here in my little town. But not only that, “Obama was raising his rent too.” Interesting that not only does he own a Pizza Hut but an apartment complex and/or trailer park right here in suburbia! And Larry and Curly were agreeing with him and nodding him on as was McLinzee. I was doing good. I was holding in the laughter, the snarky comments popping into my head at the speed of light and the thought of running towards the door and the safety of my Soccer Mom SUV. Then I looked up at my husband. The trying-to-hold-it-in laughter was about to take over for both of us so in a desperate attempt to hold it together I said “We need to think about what we need at the grocery… milk, bread, (he giggled)drinks, (now I’m giggling)…..”
Larry, Moe, Curly and McLinzee probably thought we were nuts. Why our grocery list was so funny I’m sure they had no idea. But then smiling cell phone guy (Curly) caught my eye and asked, “Do you like Twinkies?” Oddly enough I managed to answer, “Yes, I’m going to miss them.” with out laughing. I guess joining in the completely absurd conversation about Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, Obama and Twinkies made it less funny. Dave and I managed to answer a few questions here and there mostly related to our choice of Hostess Snacks and luckily none about Pizza Hut or President Obama before hastily departing the Breakfast Club and running (not walking) to the SM-SUV. However I do have to agree with McLinzee, the McDonald’s is crap with a capital C. And I wanted to tell her that she should inform the Jesse James wanna be behind the counter that an Egg McMuffin has 4 “ingredients” – muffin, egg, bacon and cheese!!!! Did I mention this is the McDonald’s that both my children have been assaulted in (1 sucker punched, the other tackled and held down until Dave pried the other kid off her) while playing in the PlayPlace?
I’m not sure what I learned from this experience. Or more importantly I’m not sure what I was supposed to learn from this experience. I guess maybe, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”
In all fairness I should state that the name Linzee was created based on a caller today at work, and yes, she spelled her name with the “Z” and “EE.”