Dear Teen Age Girls……… and their Parents


This blog has been buzzing in my head for a while – since one terrifying week back in December where I was honestly afraid of my doorbell ringing one more time. See within a few days of each other I had one girl appear at my door claiming her I-phone had gone missing and was showing on the “find my I-phone” app that her phone was at my house and then a few days later a group of girls showed up Christmas caroling. Two seemingly innocent enough occurrences – right? Wrong. Although I didn’t know the “missing I-phone” girl she was easily enough linked back to one of my son’s ex-girlfriends. And after she and her “we’re not accusing anyone of anything” father left my house (yes they met my 911 voice in person) I asked my son what the odds were that his ex-girlfriend had either a) put her up to it or b) taken her phone and placed it someone at our house. So in the middle of December at 10pm Dawson and I had flashlights out checking every bush, tree and rock around our house. Either it was really well hidden and we’ll find it in the spring thaw, or it was never there in the first place.

Moving past the hour of my life I’ll never get back searching the landscaping at my house – a few days later the doorbell rings again. My husband opens the door and I hear a giggly version of “Jingle Bells” start up. He looked bewildered and asked if I wanted to listen to the “carolers.” Timidly I walked to the door to find a different ex-girlfriend, her sister and a handful of their friends wearing felt mustaches and singing along to an I-pod. When I recognized the ex she started to walk away then just hid behind another girl as her sister explained they were doing a “birthday scavenger hunt” that their mom had made up and about that time there was a flash from a cell phone camera – it was the mom in the car taking their picture. Note to self: for my next scavenger hunt I should add stalk an ex boyfriend/girlfriend by showing up at their home randomly. I sort of remember shutting the door, I’m pretty sure I remember saying “WTF?” and then my son emerged from the hallway asking what was going on. That was a very good question.

What is going on with these girls??

First of all my son has “dated” less than a handful of girls since starting high school a year and a half ago. Out of these girls there has been only one (who still likes Minnie Mouse and Disney Princesses) whom this blog does not apply to. Yet even in this small sample of girls I have discovered I am terrified for my son to date any more. I have read text messages that would make a porn star blush, text messages calling my son names and things I’ve never even heard of (however I’m keeping a list in case any more angry dad’s show up on my doorstep), seen Instagram pictures of these girls in bikini’s and showing off belly button rings and overheard conversations with enough drama they are worthy of reality TV.

The “caroling queen” had me concerned enough at one point I was afraid I’d come home and find a bunny boiling on the stove. We had to block her number, her sister’s number, several of her friend’s numbers and her MOM’s number from our phones. Luckily she had some miraculous change of heart and has concluded she is now “over” my son…. and hopeful on to terrifying another boy and his family.

Beyond the weird stalker approving mom ……

I’ve also been required to meet several parents before my son is allowed to “date” their daughter. This is genuinely a bad idea as I’m having a harder time these days stifling my real personality instead of playing the part of “perfect suburban mom.” Maybe my son will catch on to this soon. I have an incredibly hard time listening to the “rules” these parents are giving me before their precious child is allowed to spend time with my son. Especially after viewing selfie after selfie of their sweet innocent girl in short shorts, showing off her belly button ring, wearing more makeup than a cover girl model, and the endless summer shots of her and her besties in itsy bitsy teeny-weeny bikinis. Please tell me again you have a “rule” against her and my son spending any “alone” time together – Hmmm I guess that means I should return the hotel key and condoms? Yes I really had a mom tell me that. No – I did not retort with the snappy comment above, but I will the next time. Perhaps if I scare off the parents the girl goes away too.

My son has tried to “coach” me through these parent meetings too. Don’t say this, don’t say that. After the last one I’m pretty sure he knows just not to ask anymore. I’ve met the people who put the HELL in Helicopter parent. Sometime you should ask me about the 49 minute phone conversation I was required to have with a mom I’ve never met before so she and I could “get to know each other better” before then having to meet her in person for another hour-long parental endurance test (insert torture here) before my son was allowed to take her daughter to the adult chaperoned homecoming dance – where, by the way, she taught my son how to play some serious tonsil hockey. These are the parents who wrapped their little girls in bubble wrap when they were toddlers right?

Just a warning to the mom’s with son’s out there: These girls, especially the ones who have the helicopter parents, come with some unseen magnet that magically clings itself to my son’s side once her parents are out of sight. They hang on him to the point I want to vomit. They cling and they hang and never eat in front of him. And (close your eyes moms of perfect angels) they are usually the first one to instigate a giant make out session when they think I can’t hear or see them. Then they post all these overly dramatic meme’s about love and romance quotes depicting how their whole life revolves around this perfect love and perfect boy (spoiler alert – those two things don’t exist and they have never in the history of ever co-existed).

Dear teen age girl who wants to date my son…. try being yourself (I know you have to eat sometime) … and if your parents need to meet me before you’re allowed to date him you should probably find someone else or have them call 911 (because even if you don’t reach me I have faith in my coworkers in answering all your endless questions) … and seriously you should take down your selfies that make you look like you’re 25 when you’re only 16 (if for no other reason than there are creepy scary men out there)… and I don’t want to see your belly button ring or ear spike … and seriously you can’t go around throwing your cat at everybody.

Sorry but I wanted to end on a movie quote…. #easya

(PS…. the ear spike girlfriend, yeah that was when he was in 6th grade …. and her mom didn’t like my son because he only had a C average… I totally see that logic!!)