From the desk of Mr. Pickles, broken hearted wiener

I had to say goodbye to my friend, and I miss him.

The first time I saw him I peed. It’s OK because I was a baby, barely three months old and he was this giant not so friendly looking guy! But once he figured out I wasn’t a squirrel and that I was staying at the house he warmed up. Well kinda. I’m not really sure if he was letting me sleep in his favorite spot on the couch or if he was secretly trying to crush me.

I mean I know everyone loves me, so I’m sure he was just being nice and sharing his spot. He taught me so much like how to bark at the mailman, and the neighbors and basically anyone who comes near our house. He taught me how to be a couch potato. He taught me not to share food or cookies. But most importantly he taught me how to always be the biggest dog in the room.

I love him. And I miss him. My little bitty dachshund heart is broken.

Bye Bam …. Enjoy sleeping in the sunshine and all the cookies you can eat!

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From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Cinco de Mayo Wiener

Mom is always leaving scraps of paper around with sticky notes that say “write about this” and I found one for the month of May, so I thought I’d write about it instead of her.  It’s one of those journal prompt thingy’s that’s supposed to give you ideas to write.

Here we go:

  • Describe a moment from today that you want to remember always.  That’s easy, breakfast…. It’s my favorite thing until dinner, which then becomes my favorite thing.  Plus Dad gave me bacon today.
  • What are some things you’ve been given recently?  Bacon, and cookies and cuddles.  And a haircut – I’m not happy about.
  • What is your idea of a perfect morning? Again I’m gonna have to go with bacon.
  • What is your idea of the perfect afternoon? I’d have to say April 25th.  It’s not too hot, not too cold.  All you need is a light jacket. #misscongeniality #lovesandrabullock
  • What songs or music do you listen to in the car? I don’t go in the car a lot because I jump on Mom’s lap when she’s driving and apparently that’s “frowned upon” especially in a roundabout.  But I like Cher, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and pretty much any Diva music.
  • When was the last time you felt embarrassed? What happened?  I was showing off my boxes to Dawson’s girlfriend and I fell trying to jump in the box.
  • Describe your ideal house.  A giant cardboard box with smaller boxes filled with doggie cookies and bacon.
  • What’s your favorite book to read over and over again?  Um… I can’t read.
  • What subjects did you study at school?  I never have time for school, I’m too busy.  But I did go to SWAT dog school and Jedi school and I took a dance class – shhh don’t tell Dawson.
  • What’s the most beautiful gift you’ve ever received?  Well….. other than bacon, I’d have to say the fancy cookies Mom buys on my birthday.
  • Would you like to work for yourself? Why or why not? Pretty much I already do work for myself, blogging and trying to get on HGTV.  I might need an actual agent though….
  • If you could live in another country for a year, where would you go and why?  I would go visit my distant cousins in England, you know Vulcan and Candy?  They live with the queen.  Ohhh I could go see Megan & Harry’s new baby….
  • Write a love note for someone you love.  Dear Killer, I still love you, leave that dumb Husky Tobey and come back, xoxo Mr. Pickles.
  • What are things you love most about your ethnic background.  I like bratwurst, and wiener schnitzel and um beer (ok I don’t know if I like beer or not, but it’s German).  I do not like that I was bred to chase badgers because those things are scary AF.
  • How would you like to be remembered?  Who could forget me?
  • What are some jobs you’ve had in the past?  SWAT dog – well I didn’t graduate but it’s ok, Jedi, backup singer for Britney and most recently Do It Yourself star.
  • Do you find it easy to talk to strangers?  Most people won’t believe this but I’m very shy at first around people I don’t know — even though I bark at them.
  • What kind of parties do you like to go to?  One’s with food.
  • Are you an introvert or an extrovert? I’m pretty sure I’m an extrovert, I love to be the center of attention.
  • What social issues do you feel passionate about?  I believe in automatic pet feeders, leash free dog parks, warm cuddly blankets, squeaker free toys (so Princess will stop destroying my toys), and unlimited cookies. #votemrpickles2020
  • Where do you retreat for solitude and quiet?  My cardboard box, which is no longer in its safe place in the kitchen.  And currently has a bunch of Mom’s cookbooks in it.
  • How are you feeling today?   I was good until mom started brushing me and gave me a haircut.
  • What is your favorite thing about Mondays?  Who writes these dumb things?  There’s nothing good about Mondays…. Everybody leaves me to go to work and Sissy goes to school and I have to sit all day by myself with no one paying attention to me. I HATE MONDAYS!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!  And also, May the 4th be with you (that was yesterday) – I was celebrating with the other Jedi’s. There was cake, and light sabers.

Adios Puppios!

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, DIY Expert

Hi Friends!

I’m a good helper!

I’ve finally found my true calling, I’m going to have my own house remodeling show on HGTV.  Recently I’ve been a HUGE help to Dad while he’s been remodeling the kitchen in our house.  Well, mostly I just supervise him and tell him where to put things.  As you can see, I’m pretty handy on a ladder.  I’m not sure what I should call my show, “DIY Dachshund” or “The Mr. Pickles Project” (shout out to Banilla Ice – V’s hard to say).  But then I was thinking maybe something like “Four Paw Flippers” so Princess and Bam can join me – its better when it’s a family thing ya know.  Dad likes “Puperty Brothers” and said Bam and I can be a team, but then Princess’s feelings would get hurt.

I’m kinda nervous about the new kitchen, my cardboard boxes have all been moved.  And they put a new cabinet where my boxes used to be.  Maybe the new cabinet will hold more dog food though.  I don’t’ know I just want my boxes back. They’re my secret hideout.

The best part about remodeling the kitchen is that at first everything was on the dining room table.  Even the food……… easy access for snacking.  But Princess made a lot of noise smuggling potato chips so once the new cabinets were up the food got put away.  OK, maybe it was me.  Princess helped though, like I can reach the table… I have 3 inch legs.

Today, Sissy went on a college visit. I wanna go with her.  To college.  I could be the mascot.  They have a lot of real dogs as mascots, Butler Blue (aka Trip), Handsome Dan, Uga, Bully, Jack, Duke Dog, Bruiser and Rocky.  Bam said they’re all bulldogs.  Then Princess pointed out she looks like Smokey from University of Tennessee and he’s probably her cousin, she has a lot of cousins.  It’s not my fault no colleges have dachshund’s. Ohhhhh.. I’ll be the first!  Bam pointed out lots of Husky’s are mascots too, he likes to rub Husky’s in my nose ever since Killer left me for Tobey the Husky. Bam’s just salty, I might have irritated him this week because I jumped on his back and he might have reared up and tossed me across the room.  He’s moody, I was just playing. See, if I’m a famous mascot I’ll get a fancy college sweater with a matching leash and I’ll strut around on the football field.  Killer will come back, she’ll forget about Tobey.

Sissy said one of the colleges she visited today has a Grizzly Bear for a mascot.  I’m scared of bears.  The mascots don’t actually fight each other do they? Because that sounds super dangerous.  I could get hurt.  Bulldogs can be mean (see above).  Look, I’m college material, I’ve already got my Starbucks.  I think they should rename it Starpups though.

Starpups is good.

It’s almost dinner time so I should probably wrap this up.  I’m never late to dinner.  And dad’s measuring more stuff for the kitchen so I should go help.

Bye Felicia!

From the Desk of Mr Pickles – willing Cheese Challenge participant

Do you have cheese?

Hi Friends!  Mom’s been super busy at work, but she promised me some blog time today.

Have you seen the cheese challenge on social media?  Why is no one throwing cheese on me?  A – I’m adorable(!) B – I love cheese and C – WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING — THROW CHEESE ON ME!!

Mom could get like a million likes on Facebook because let’s face it, it’s me, the video will totally go viral. It could launch my YouTube career.  I mean really all she has to do is give Sissy some cheese and take a video of Sissy throwing the cheese on me.  How hard is that? Sissy could even wear her Cheesehead Hat -side note I need one of those.  I tried to get Princess to help me, because she doesn’t like cheese (yeah, I know she’s weird….) but she couldn’t throw it.  And Bam kept drooling on the phone so there’s just a video of a lot of slobber and Princess struggling to get cheese off her paws. I’m surrounded by amateurs.

Oh wait, I forgot I’m a Jedi. 

“you will throw the cheese on me” “you will throw the cheese on me” “you will throw the cheese on me”

Is it working?  No?

I knew I shouldn’t have taken Jedi lessons from the guy I met at Gen Con. Three easy payments of $19.95… I didn’t even get a light saber!

Sissy taught me how to play Monopoly.  She let me be the dog too.  I owned Boardwalk and Park Place, which is supposed to be really good.  But I kept landing on everybody else’s properties, and nobody was landing on mine, so I ended up having to sell all my stuff to Dad.  Then Dad beat Sissy. It’s a super long game though and to be honest I was kinda bored anyway. And I guess no one read the rule that Mr. Pickles always wins.  Duh.

Not much else to report.  RJ came out to play the other day, but Princess scared him.  I like RJ, he’s my pal.  Princess says that he’s not my friend.  But I like anybody who can turn the garbage cans over.  What?!?! Don’t judge there’s usually all sorts of yummy food leftovers in the garbage cans.  Guys gotta eat!

I’d like to give a shout out to all my fellow puppies on National Puppy Day…. Bark, bark, bark (that’s dog for “hey y’all”)

Keep your eye out for my cheese video. Eventually someone will throw cheese on me.

Pickles out.

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Santa’s Good Noodle

pickles blanket

Hi Friends!

I’m happy to report that once again I made it on the Good Noodle List and Santa tumbled down our Chimney and brought lots of presents.  Of course it was all because of me since I’m the only one in the family who wrote him a letter this year.

He didn’t bring the laptop I asked for so I’m still sneaking on moms.  But I did get some yummy cookies that are shaped like little T-bone steaks and a new fuzzy bed that you can crawl in.  I usually lay on top of it though because it’s just a little snug.  I think Santa forgot that I’m a bit longer this year.  Princess got a new bed too and Bam got a new HUGE dinner dish.  I mean I could fit like 12 of my ‘Lil Caesar’s dinners in his new bowl. I have a plan to take it over, I can hide it under the bed.  But…. It’s big and really heavy and I can’t pick it up in my mouth like the water dish.  So, I plan to push it all the way to the bedroom.  I’m the only one who can get under the bed so it’s a perfect hiding spot!  But it’s hard to push it with my nose so I haven’t gotten very far yet.  Stay tuned….

Teagan and Dawson got a lot of cool stuff too, like clothes and smell good stuff and money.  I really could use the cash too but whatev’s.

Dad got Mom a new ring.  I was specifically told not to go near it, not to look at it and under no circumstance was I to confuse it for a chew toy or food.  I mean seriously, it’s like she doesn’t understand the what a GOOD NOODLE is.  It is shiny though and I bet I could really dig some teeth into it.  But, it would also look fabulous on my collar next to my name tag. Darn it I should have asked Santa for a collar with bling! Next year, there’s always next year.  After all it’s never too early to get started on next years letter to Santa.

I’ve had a lot of fun recently with my new human trick.  Every night at about 2 or 3 AM I decide I need a drink of water, so I go stand in Mom’s bathroom and bark until she gets up and gets me a cup of water.  It doesn’t matter if there is a full dish of water in the kitchen and she has to get the water in my special cup that she’s required to keep in the bathroom. (insert evil laugh)

In case anyone is wondering I have not made any resolutions.  I mean why mess with perfection?

Until next time……… Keep it cute, keep it long and short and keep it classy San Diego!

 

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Macy’s Parade Star

I have to be brief in my writing today because I’m planning on riding down 34th Street soon.  Bam says the parade is all the way in New York City, but what does he know anyway?  Next year I think I should be one of the giant balloons.  I’ll need to write Macy’s again and express how this cuteness must be a balloon:

long nose

Bam said after the parade there is also the biggest dog show of the year.  I didn’t know they had contests for the best dogs.  Mom should have entered me because I definitely would have won “Best in Show.”  Maybe I’ll go to the dog show and find a new girlfriend to replace Killer.  Killer ran away with a Husky named Tobey, I don’t want to talk about it.

Mom actually let me use her computer today so that I could tell everyone what I’m thankful for today. Here’s my list:

  1. I’m thankful for my family, both human and furry.  Oh yeah, and fin-y, I forgot Dawson’s fish.
  2. I’m thankful for the firefighters at Dad’s station who helped me feel better after my recent injury following a tragic fence incident with Princess and the dog next door. My brother Dexter’s mom was there that day, and she was happy to help.  I don’t want to talk about it…. It was awful.  I’m OK now though.
  3. I’m thankful for my chew toys and my fuzzy bed and my hand knitted blankie that Aunt Jacque made me.
  4. I’m thankful when Dad makes bacon. I’m more thankful when he shares it with me.
  5. I’m thankful for Police K9’s (yes even Killer) who are working today instead of getting to stay home with their families. And Mom says their human officers too.
  6. Mom says I need to be thankful for all the humans who are working in emergency services today, like police officers, firefighters, dispatchers, EMT’s and paramedics, doctors and nurses.
  7. I’m thankful for the military too…. maybe I should join the military! General Mr. Pickles, or maybe Admiral Mr. Pickles.  I should investigate that.  I could fly fighter jets!  Do you think I could take my blankie with me to fighter jet school?
  8. I’m thankful for my back yard and continue to vigilantly keep it rid of tree rats and racoons. Well, Princess helps but I do all the hard work!  Barking is hard.
  9. I’m thankful for cookies.
  10. I’m thankful for Holidays where a lot of food is fixed, and a lot is accidentally dropped on the floor.

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Professional Competitive Eater

picles hot dog 2

Hi everyone, sorry I’ve been out for so long.  It’s a busy life being a long dog.  Plus, Bam is the only one who knows how to log on to mom’s laptop and he and I got into a bit of a snit over my chew toy – he doesn’t seem to understand it’s my job to take out the squeaker.

I’ve been looking for a new career lately.  Back up singing was a little harder than I thought it would be.  Britney still loves me, but the choreography was hard with my stubby legs.  I also recently found out that stubby legs make it hard to do the Kiki challenge.  Kiki (that’s my nickname for Killer) do you love me? Of course you do, everybody loves me.

Anyway, no worries I’ve found the perfect new career.  This morning on TV they were talking to Joey Chestnut about an ice cream eating contest at the Indiana State Fair.  This guy’s whole job is to eat more pints of ice cream than any other guy in the contest.  Uh hello??? Have you ever met a dachshund who can’t eat three times it’s weight in one sitting?

I looked up this Joey guy on Google and found out on the 4th of July he ate a record 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes.  PPHHBTTT! I can totally do that, I’m just sayin’ I could probably eat 75.  I mean I’m totally built to consume hot dogs, I even LOOK like a hot dog.  Even though Bam says he rocked the look first and I’m just copying, whatev’s Bam. (Was he really that little?)

IMG_1553

There’re all kinds of eating contests, not just ice cream and hot dogs.  Tacos, Pizza, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Strawberry Shortcakes, Oysters (um… what are oysters?), Sandwiches – the list is endless.  There’s even a Major League Eating organization.  Mom’s going to send in my application next week.  Some of their upcoming contests are: Cheese Curds, Gyoza (I have no idea what that is, but I’m willing to eat anything), Buffalo Wings (YES! Dawson wants to enter that one too), Cheeseburgers, Tamales, Pork Roll Sandwiches, Moon Pies, and Catalina Croquetas.  I’m not sure what Catalina Croquetas are either, but mom said we can go because it’s at Calle Ocho in Miami.  I guess its Cuban food?!?!

I didn’t see doughnuts on the list, I would like doughnuts.

Mom said Teagan won an eating contest once.  She challenged one of the firefighters at dad’s station to a HoHo eating contest.  She ate 13 in 15 minutes.  She doesn’t eat HoHo’s anymore.  The sight of them makes her nauseous.

In other news I was playing hide and seek with RJ the raccoon that lives under our mini barn.  I found him hiding in the trashcan but he wouldn’t come out.  That’s not how the rules work.  I was too short to get into the trashcan so I did what any respectable hide and seek player would do.  I went inside and got my big brother and big sister to help.  Mom got really mad at us for trying to knock over the trash can.  Then she got even madder when she heard RJ inside.  She made Princess, Bam and me go inside and then she let RJ out of the trashcan. Not cool mom, not cool…. That’s not how you play hide and seek.  Now RJ won’t come and play anymore.

my friend RJ <——That’s my friend RJ

Teagan made the soccer team at school.  I’m totally going to be the mascot.  I just have to find an Achaean outfit and get over my fear of soccer balls.

achaens

Hmm that might be harder than I thought! Where do you get a broom helmet and scary creepy face shield?  Too bad she doesn’t go to Frankfort High School,  home of the fighting Hot Dogs.  I mean for real I need to apply to be their mascot!

Well, I’ve got to go practice for the next hot dog eating contest.  I’ve just got to figure out how to get mom to let me eat 75 hot dogs.  Bam says he can eat 76.  Maybe when you were younger buddy, but I got this now.  It’s a young pup’s game.  Oh, I better be nice to him or he won’t log me on the laptop again. Um…. Yeah Bam, buddy you got this!

Peace, Love and hotdogs…..

Mr. Pickles