From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Santa’s Good Noodle

pickles blanket

Hi Friends!

I’m happy to report that once again I made it on the Good Noodle List and Santa tumbled down our Chimney and brought lots of presents.  Of course it was all because of me since I’m the only one in the family who wrote him a letter this year.

He didn’t bring the laptop I asked for so I’m still sneaking on moms.  But I did get some yummy cookies that are shaped like little T-bone steaks and a new fuzzy bed that you can crawl in.  I usually lay on top of it though because it’s just a little snug.  I think Santa forgot that I’m a bit longer this year.  Princess got a new bed too and Bam got a new HUGE dinner dish.  I mean I could fit like 12 of my ‘Lil Caesar’s dinners in his new bowl. I have a plan to take it over, I can hide it under the bed.  But…. It’s big and really heavy and I can’t pick it up in my mouth like the water dish.  So, I plan to push it all the way to the bedroom.  I’m the only one who can get under the bed so it’s a perfect hiding spot!  But it’s hard to push it with my nose so I haven’t gotten very far yet.  Stay tuned….

Teagan and Dawson got a lot of cool stuff too, like clothes and smell good stuff and money.  I really could use the cash too but whatev’s.

Dad got Mom a new ring.  I was specifically told not to go near it, not to look at it and under no circumstance was I to confuse it for a chew toy or food.  I mean seriously, it’s like she doesn’t understand the what a GOOD NOODLE is.  It is shiny though and I bet I could really dig some teeth into it.  But, it would also look fabulous on my collar next to my name tag. Darn it I should have asked Santa for a collar with bling! Next year, there’s always next year.  After all it’s never too early to get started on next years letter to Santa.

I’ve had a lot of fun recently with my new human trick.  Every night at about 2 or 3 AM I decide I need a drink of water, so I go stand in Mom’s bathroom and bark until she gets up and gets me a cup of water.  It doesn’t matter if there is a full dish of water in the kitchen and she has to get the water in my special cup that she’s required to keep in the bathroom. (insert evil laugh)

In case anyone is wondering I have not made any resolutions.  I mean why mess with perfection?

Until next time……… Keep it cute, keep it long and short and keep it classy San Diego!

 

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From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Macy’s Parade Star

I have to be brief in my writing today because I’m planning on riding down 34th Street soon.  Bam says the parade is all the way in New York City, but what does he know anyway?  Next year I think I should be one of the giant balloons.  I’ll need to write Macy’s again and express how this cuteness must be a balloon:

long nose

Bam said after the parade there is also the biggest dog show of the year.  I didn’t know they had contests for the best dogs.  Mom should have entered me because I definitely would have won “Best in Show.”  Maybe I’ll go to the dog show and find a new girlfriend to replace Killer.  Killer ran away with a Husky named Tobey, I don’t want to talk about it.

Mom actually let me use her computer today so that I could tell everyone what I’m thankful for today. Here’s my list:

  1. I’m thankful for my family, both human and furry.  Oh yeah, and fin-y, I forgot Dawson’s fish.
  2. I’m thankful for the firefighters at Dad’s station who helped me feel better after my recent injury following a tragic fence incident with Princess and the dog next door. My brother Dexter’s mom was there that day, and she was happy to help.  I don’t want to talk about it…. It was awful.  I’m OK now though.
  3. I’m thankful for my chew toys and my fuzzy bed and my hand knitted blankie that Aunt Jacque made me.
  4. I’m thankful when Dad makes bacon. I’m more thankful when he shares it with me.
  5. I’m thankful for Police K9’s (yes even Killer) who are working today instead of getting to stay home with their families. And Mom says their human officers too.
  6. Mom says I need to be thankful for all the humans who are working in emergency services today, like police officers, firefighters, dispatchers, EMT’s and paramedics, doctors and nurses.
  7. I’m thankful for the military too…. maybe I should join the military! General Mr. Pickles, or maybe Admiral Mr. Pickles.  I should investigate that.  I could fly fighter jets!  Do you think I could take my blankie with me to fighter jet school?
  8. I’m thankful for my back yard and continue to vigilantly keep it rid of tree rats and racoons. Well, Princess helps but I do all the hard work!  Barking is hard.
  9. I’m thankful for cookies.
  10. I’m thankful for Holidays where a lot of food is fixed, and a lot is accidentally dropped on the floor.

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Professional Competitive Eater

picles hot dog 2

Hi everyone, sorry I’ve been out for so long.  It’s a busy life being a long dog.  Plus, Bam is the only one who knows how to log on to mom’s laptop and he and I got into a bit of a snit over my chew toy – he doesn’t seem to understand it’s my job to take out the squeaker.

I’ve been looking for a new career lately.  Back up singing was a little harder than I thought it would be.  Britney still loves me, but the choreography was hard with my stubby legs.  I also recently found out that stubby legs make it hard to do the Kiki challenge.  Kiki (that’s my nickname for Killer) do you love me? Of course you do, everybody loves me.

Anyway, no worries I’ve found the perfect new career.  This morning on TV they were talking to Joey Chestnut about an ice cream eating contest at the Indiana State Fair.  This guy’s whole job is to eat more pints of ice cream than any other guy in the contest.  Uh hello??? Have you ever met a dachshund who can’t eat three times it’s weight in one sitting?

I looked up this Joey guy on Google and found out on the 4th of July he ate a record 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes.  PPHHBTTT! I can totally do that, I’m just sayin’ I could probably eat 75.  I mean I’m totally built to consume hot dogs, I even LOOK like a hot dog.  Even though Bam says he rocked the look first and I’m just copying, whatev’s Bam. (Was he really that little?)

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There’re all kinds of eating contests, not just ice cream and hot dogs.  Tacos, Pizza, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Strawberry Shortcakes, Oysters (um… what are oysters?), Sandwiches – the list is endless.  There’s even a Major League Eating organization.  Mom’s going to send in my application next week.  Some of their upcoming contests are: Cheese Curds, Gyoza (I have no idea what that is, but I’m willing to eat anything), Buffalo Wings (YES! Dawson wants to enter that one too), Cheeseburgers, Tamales, Pork Roll Sandwiches, Moon Pies, and Catalina Croquetas.  I’m not sure what Catalina Croquetas are either, but mom said we can go because it’s at Calle Ocho in Miami.  I guess its Cuban food?!?!

I didn’t see doughnuts on the list, I would like doughnuts.

Mom said Teagan won an eating contest once.  She challenged one of the firefighters at dad’s station to a HoHo eating contest.  She ate 13 in 15 minutes.  She doesn’t eat HoHo’s anymore.  The sight of them makes her nauseous.

In other news I was playing hide and seek with RJ the raccoon that lives under our mini barn.  I found him hiding in the trashcan but he wouldn’t come out.  That’s not how the rules work.  I was too short to get into the trashcan so I did what any respectable hide and seek player would do.  I went inside and got my big brother and big sister to help.  Mom got really mad at us for trying to knock over the trash can.  Then she got even madder when she heard RJ inside.  She made Princess, Bam and me go inside and then she let RJ out of the trashcan. Not cool mom, not cool…. That’s not how you play hide and seek.  Now RJ won’t come and play anymore.

my friend RJ <——That’s my friend RJ

Teagan made the soccer team at school.  I’m totally going to be the mascot.  I just have to find an Achaean outfit and get over my fear of soccer balls.

achaens

Hmm that might be harder than I thought! Where do you get a broom helmet and scary creepy face shield?  Too bad she doesn’t go to Frankfort High School,  home of the fighting Hot Dogs.  I mean for real I need to apply to be their mascot!

Well, I’ve got to go practice for the next hot dog eating contest.  I’ve just got to figure out how to get mom to let me eat 75 hot dogs.  Bam says he can eat 76.  Maybe when you were younger buddy, but I got this now.  It’s a young pup’s game.  Oh, I better be nice to him or he won’t log me on the laptop again. Um…. Yeah Bam, buddy you got this!

Peace, Love and hotdogs…..

Mr. Pickles

From the deck of Mr. Pickles, back up singer for Britney Spears

pick outside

Last night Teagan was listening to Britney Spears, very loudly.  I LOVE HER! Her music inspires me to be a better person.  I would like to dedicate the song “Toxic” to my girlfriend Killer.  I mean I’m really addicted to her, and she’s totally toxic. I would also dedicate “Gimme more” to mommy when she gives me cookies, because she totally needs to give me more cookies.  I called Britney and I told her I’m an awesome backup singer.  I even sang for her over the phone – she totally loves me.  She wants me to join her tour in July in Washington D.C.

Knowing mom, she won’t let me go though, she’ll say I’m too young!  Boo mom!  I’ve even got my costumes ready, I took one of sissy’s school uniforms and made a “Baby one more time” costume.  Teagan says I’d be better in a boy band though.  Maybe I could get my brother Dexter and dad’s friend’s dachshund Koby and we could be a boy band.  We might need one more to be a boy band though, I think three just makes us a trio, like Hanson.  I could place a help wanted ad:  Help wanted – male dachshund, mini or full size, short or long hair, must be able to sing and dance.  I mean Justin Timberlake had to start somewhere.  Actually, he was on the Mickey Mouse club. Its super cute when I sing the new Hot Dog song from Mickey Mouse club….. “Hot Dog Hog Dog Hot Diggity Dog, now we got ears it’s time for cheers.” Because I’m a “wiener” dog and I have big ears…. It’s kind of a visual thing, you really have to see it in person to see how cute it is.

Now that I know that I can sing I’m so going to serenade Killer.

I’m excited that Teagan is home for the summer.  But she wouldn’t let me play Xbox with her the other day – something about opposable thumbs.  I can totally play Xbox.  I want to play GTA5, but mom says I’m not old enough.  PHBTTT…  she said I could only play Viva Piñata which is totally lame.  Dawson has some fun racing and soccer games, but I bored turning left all the time and soccer balls scare me.

In other backyard news (because let’s face it I don’t go anywhere else), I have recently found out that opossums are marsupials and not rodents.  I don’t know why that’s important but someone on Facebook said it was, so if it was on Facebook it’s totally true.  But anyway, they kill ticks and I don’t like ticks, so I guess that means the enemy of my enemy is my friend.  This Facebook post says you’re not supposed to hurt opossums because they kill ticks and bugs.  So…. I may or may not owe a couple of opossums an apology for chasing them and grabbing one by the neck and bringing in the living room when sissy was puppy-sitting me.  There’s a video… sissy screams a lot (insert evil villain laugh).

I tried digging out of the backyard last week.  Teagan caught me though.  She’s a very responsible puppy-sitter – unfortunately.  Then she told mom and mom put up a new board, so I can’t dig anymore.  It is very hard to be a good noodle when you’re a dachshund.  I mean the whole reason dachshunds exist is to dig, burrow and hunt badgers.  I don’t know what a badger is, but I’m guessing it looks a lot like a tree rat, raccoon, rabbit or opossum.  But the good news now is, when I might let my good noodle status slip I can sing “Oops I did it again” and mom forgives me.

Image result for badger  <——- Badger

I don’t know that thing looks terrifying.

I think I’ll stick to back up singing! Or a boy band….. “Bye, bye bye!”

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Royal Wedding invitee

British pickles

Mom wouldn’t let me go to Windsor this weekend even though I was clearly on the invitation list. My good pals Vulcan and Candy invited me, they’re Her Majesty’s “dorgis.”  Vulcan and Candy are ½ dachshund and ½ corgi and they are the only dogs the Queen has now.  I’m pretty sure we’re related, on the dachshund side anyway.  But mom said we couldn’t go to England so I had to watch the Royal Wedding on TV.  I really wanted to take Killer with me to England to impress her because I think she likes a Husky.  Can you imagine me and Killer riding in a horse-drawn carriage through the streets of Windsor? One day…..

The whole reason we couldn’t go was because Teagan was playing a mirror in a play. Mirrors are scary by the way.  The other day I was investigating an open closet door and started barking because I found another dog in the closet.  Well, I thought there was another dog in the closet.  It turns out there was just a mirror that mom forgot about on the floor of the closet.  But I mean seriously how crazy would that have been to find a dog as handsome as me locked away in a closet?

Princess thinks she was invited to the Royal Wedding because her name is Princess, but I told her it doesn’t work that way. She argued with me and I let her win because let’s face it she’s bigger than me and kinda scary sometimes.  So if she asks, she was totally on the guest list!  Then Bam got involved, he said if anyone should have been invited it should have been him because he’s an Olde English Bulldog and Olde English is more British than a dachshund.  (Sigh) They just don’t understand what it’s like to be Royalty.

So other than Royal Wedding watching I really haven’t been up to much else lately. It’s nice to go outside and play since its spring.  I’m pretty sure there’s still a raccoon living under our mini barn but she’s pretty sneaky and we don’t see her very often.  Mom said it’s a good thing because she’s bigger than me.  Mom and Dad are getting ready to plant strawberries, peppers and tomatoes.  We’ll see how long those last until I get bored and decide to dig them up.  Er…. I mean until there is a dangerous tree rat near them and I have to dig them up to save them.  I like strawberries, mom dropped one the other day and it was yummy.  I guess if I don’t dig up the plant I could just eat the strawberries off the plant…. Hmmm decisions…. decisions.

Well that’s about all for now, I’m going to work on photoshopping myself into some of the pictures from the wedding yesterday.  Maybe Killer will still be impressed.  At least enough to distract her from the Husky for a while.  Maybe the Queen will want me to apply to MI6 that would impress Killer.  I could be the next James Bond, I mean my last name is pretty close – Mr. Pickles Baughn, 007.

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Jedi

pick

Hi friends!

Bam showed me how to log on to mom’s laptop, he’s super smart.  He knew the password.  He’s a handy big brother, mostly because he can reach the countertop when daddy leaves bacon out.  And with his over bite he’s able to open all kinds of things for me.

I’m considering leaving SWAT training.  It’s really a hard decision because my girlfriend Killer is still in SWAT training.  But mom went to a training and learned about Bomb Detection dogs and it sounds kind of cool.  All I have to do is sit when I smell explosives.  How hard could that be?  And they give you a ball to play with. Um, I don’t know what explosives are though….are they bad? I’m still thinking about it though, I don’t want to leave Killer.

Then the other night mom was winding this big ball of yarn for her work.  I’m not sure what she does or why she needed yarn but whatevs!  I was getting really mad because she wouldn’t let me play with the yarn.  But while she was winding the yarn she was watching some movie on TV called Return of the Jedi.  It was so cool, there were spaceships and fuzzy little bear things and a princess.  Not like my sister Princess but a real princess.  So, I hung out with mom even though I was mad at her and watched the movie.  Popcorn may or may not have been part of my motivation for staying.

I liked the Jedi guy.  I mean how cool is he? And he had a light saber thingy.  I decided that I’d be way better at being a Jedi than being Knight, so I’ve changed from Mr. Pickles, Esq. to Mr. Pickles, Jedi. I need to write the Queen and tell her I’m not longer going to be a knight.  She’ll be very upset.

How cool would it be to be able to use the Force to get bacon off the counter?  Then I could really impress Killer.  So, I’m going to ask mom to go to Jedi school.  It’s a real thing, right?

I forgot to tell you I had to go to the doctor last week.  I had a bad cough.  Teagan and Dawson said I was just faking because I only coughed around mom.  I wasn’t faking!  The doctor said I had a cold and gave me medicine.  It tastes like beef stuff.  I’m not sure what beef stuff is, but I like it.  I was good this time and didn’t try to bite the girl who took my temperature like I did the last time.  Do you know where they stick the thermometer?

We went to the puppy resort a few weeks ago.  I’m not sure why mom calls it a resort especially when she doesn’t get us the rooms with the TV and extra treats.  Stupid snobby rich poodles got the fancy rooms and extra treats.  Bam really liked his girl who took him outside and always convinced her to give him extra snuggles.  It’s not bad there, but I was glad to get home to my own fluffy bed and my cardboard box.  Yes, I have a cardboard box like a cat, don’t judge.

That’s pretty much been my life for the last few weeks.  I live a really exciting life.  Princess said a racoon is living under our mini barn again.  Maybe next time I log on I will tell you about how I used my Jedi skills to catch the racoon.  Ohhh I could catch the squirrels too.  I gotta become a Jedi!

Image result for jedi symbol

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Esq.

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Bam let me borrow mom’s computer but said I couldn’t tell anybody.  So I found this thing called a blog… I’m not sure what it is but I like to talk about myself so I think this is perfect for me.

Some things you should know about me – I’m a two-year old long-haired miniature dachshund who is most famous for being a “good noodle” around the house.  I also speak with a slight nasal inflection so when you’re reading this keep that in mind.  More important information about me….let’s see ….. for a career I’m currently in training to be a SWAT K9 with my girlfriend, Killer, who is a German Shepherd.  Killer broke up with me earlier this year because mom wouldn’t let me keep the baby bunny I caught and killed to show her.  I told mom it was homework for SWAT dog school, but she still took it away from me.  But I’m so irresistible Killer took me back and she’s my girlfriend again.

For fun I chase tree rats….uh squirrels … in our back yard.  Even Princess can’t catch them so I don’t feel bad that I haven’t caught one yet.  And after the scuffle this summer with the raccoon, Bam no longer assists us in ridding the back yard of wildlife.  The raccoon did scratch his ear and he’s not getting any younger so I totally understand.  I recently took up Yoga – I’m awesome at downward facing dog.

Mom had a list thing that was sitting by her computer and it said “Replace New Years Resolutions With This.”  I think I’m going to take a crack at this, but I don’t know what a Resolution is.  Oh well here we go:

A bad habit I’m going to break.  Hmmmm…. I have no bad habits.  I mean sure I grab the dish towel off the stove and carry it around the house, jump up on the dining room table, growl at mom when she hasn’t fed me in a timely fashion, chew on mom’s house shoes and knock the trash over.  But those things aren’t really habits per se.  Nope I’m good on this one.

A new skill I’m going to learn.  Mixed martial arts or French culinary school.  I’d really like to learn how to make Coquilles Saint-Jacques and Baked Camembert.

A person I hope to be more like.  Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, I mean I’m totally like him now, totally buff and athletic and funny.  I just need to be more famous.  Maybe Justin Timberlake, I’d really like to up my singing game.

A good deed I’m going to do.  This one is tough.  Maybe I’ll help Dawson deliver Meals on Wheels one day.  I think I’d be good at that.  I mean after all what could go wrong with me in a van full of food?

A place I’d like to visit.  I’m really bad with locations but I’d be pretty happy with anyplace that has cookies.  Or maybe Canada because I want to see a Moose.

A book I’d like to read.  Uh… I really can’t read.

A letter I’m going to write.  I’m going to write a love letter to Killer.  And then maybe the Queen of England because I want to talk to her about validating the ESQ after my name (in England it means you’re training to be a Knight).

A new food I’m going to try.  Mom always says I can’t eat chocolate…. So that’s out.  But I’m pretty much willing to eat anything.

I’m going to do better at.  SWAT dog training, I still must make up for the missing bunny homework.  And I’m going to be better boyfriend and spoil Killer.

 

Well that’s all mom had listed for her blog so I guess I’ll sign off.

 

Happy New Year!

Mr. Pickles –  out