From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Professional Competitive Eater

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Hi everyone, sorry I’ve been out for so long.  It’s a busy life being a long dog.  Plus, Bam is the only one who knows how to log on to mom’s laptop and he and I got into a bit of a snit over my chew toy – he doesn’t seem to understand it’s my job to take out the squeaker.

I’ve been looking for a new career lately.  Back up singing was a little harder than I thought it would be.  Britney still loves me, but the choreography was hard with my stubby legs.  I also recently found out that stubby legs make it hard to do the Kiki challenge.  Kiki (that’s my nickname for Killer) do you love me? Of course you do, everybody loves me.

Anyway, no worries I’ve found the perfect new career.  This morning on TV they were talking to Joey Chestnut about an ice cream eating contest at the Indiana State Fair.  This guy’s whole job is to eat more pints of ice cream than any other guy in the contest.  Uh hello??? Have you ever met a dachshund who can’t eat three times it’s weight in one sitting?

I looked up this Joey guy on Google and found out on the 4th of July he ate a record 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes.  PPHHBTTT! I can totally do that, I’m just sayin’ I could probably eat 75.  I mean I’m totally built to consume hot dogs, I even LOOK like a hot dog.  Even though Bam says he rocked the look first and I’m just copying, whatev’s Bam. (Was he really that little?)

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There’re all kinds of eating contests, not just ice cream and hot dogs.  Tacos, Pizza, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Strawberry Shortcakes, Oysters (um… what are oysters?), Sandwiches – the list is endless.  There’s even a Major League Eating organization.  Mom’s going to send in my application next week.  Some of their upcoming contests are: Cheese Curds, Gyoza (I have no idea what that is, but I’m willing to eat anything), Buffalo Wings (YES! Dawson wants to enter that one too), Cheeseburgers, Tamales, Pork Roll Sandwiches, Moon Pies, and Catalina Croquetas.  I’m not sure what Catalina Croquetas are either, but mom said we can go because it’s at Calle Ocho in Miami.  I guess its Cuban food?!?!

I didn’t see doughnuts on the list, I would like doughnuts.

Mom said Teagan won an eating contest once.  She challenged one of the firefighters at dad’s station to a HoHo eating contest.  She ate 13 in 15 minutes.  She doesn’t eat HoHo’s anymore.  The sight of them makes her nauseous.

In other news I was playing hide and seek with RJ the raccoon that lives under our mini barn.  I found him hiding in the trashcan but he wouldn’t come out.  That’s not how the rules work.  I was too short to get into the trashcan so I did what any respectable hide and seek player would do.  I went inside and got my big brother and big sister to help.  Mom got really mad at us for trying to knock over the trash can.  Then she got even madder when she heard RJ inside.  She made Princess, Bam and me go inside and then she let RJ out of the trashcan. Not cool mom, not cool…. That’s not how you play hide and seek.  Now RJ won’t come and play anymore.

my friend RJ <——That’s my friend RJ

Teagan made the soccer team at school.  I’m totally going to be the mascot.  I just have to find an Achaean outfit and get over my fear of soccer balls.

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Hmm that might be harder than I thought! Where do you get a broom helmet and scary creepy face shield?  Too bad she doesn’t go to Frankfort High School,  home of the fighting Hot Dogs.  I mean for real I need to apply to be their mascot!

Well, I’ve got to go practice for the next hot dog eating contest.  I’ve just got to figure out how to get mom to let me eat 75 hot dogs.  Bam says he can eat 76.  Maybe when you were younger buddy, but I got this now.  It’s a young pup’s game.  Oh, I better be nice to him or he won’t log me on the laptop again. Um…. Yeah Bam, buddy you got this!

Peace, Love and hotdogs…..

Mr. Pickles

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From the deck of Mr. Pickles, back up singer for Britney Spears

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Last night Teagan was listening to Britney Spears, very loudly.  I LOVE HER! Her music inspires me to be a better person.  I would like to dedicate the song “Toxic” to my girlfriend Killer.  I mean I’m really addicted to her, and she’s totally toxic. I would also dedicate “Gimme more” to mommy when she gives me cookies, because she totally needs to give me more cookies.  I called Britney and I told her I’m an awesome backup singer.  I even sang for her over the phone – she totally loves me.  She wants me to join her tour in July in Washington D.C.

Knowing mom, she won’t let me go though, she’ll say I’m too young!  Boo mom!  I’ve even got my costumes ready, I took one of sissy’s school uniforms and made a “Baby one more time” costume.  Teagan says I’d be better in a boy band though.  Maybe I could get my brother Dexter and dad’s friend’s dachshund Koby and we could be a boy band.  We might need one more to be a boy band though, I think three just makes us a trio, like Hanson.  I could place a help wanted ad:  Help wanted – male dachshund, mini or full size, short or long hair, must be able to sing and dance.  I mean Justin Timberlake had to start somewhere.  Actually, he was on the Mickey Mouse club. Its super cute when I sing the new Hot Dog song from Mickey Mouse club….. “Hot Dog Hog Dog Hot Diggity Dog, now we got ears it’s time for cheers.” Because I’m a “wiener” dog and I have big ears…. It’s kind of a visual thing, you really have to see it in person to see how cute it is.

Now that I know that I can sing I’m so going to serenade Killer.

I’m excited that Teagan is home for the summer.  But she wouldn’t let me play Xbox with her the other day – something about opposable thumbs.  I can totally play Xbox.  I want to play GTA5, but mom says I’m not old enough.  PHBTTT…  she said I could only play Viva Piñata which is totally lame.  Dawson has some fun racing and soccer games, but I bored turning left all the time and soccer balls scare me.

In other backyard news (because let’s face it I don’t go anywhere else), I have recently found out that opossums are marsupials and not rodents.  I don’t know why that’s important but someone on Facebook said it was, so if it was on Facebook it’s totally true.  But anyway, they kill ticks and I don’t like ticks, so I guess that means the enemy of my enemy is my friend.  This Facebook post says you’re not supposed to hurt opossums because they kill ticks and bugs.  So…. I may or may not owe a couple of opossums an apology for chasing them and grabbing one by the neck and bringing in the living room when sissy was puppy-sitting me.  There’s a video… sissy screams a lot (insert evil villain laugh).

I tried digging out of the backyard last week.  Teagan caught me though.  She’s a very responsible puppy-sitter – unfortunately.  Then she told mom and mom put up a new board, so I can’t dig anymore.  It is very hard to be a good noodle when you’re a dachshund.  I mean the whole reason dachshunds exist is to dig, burrow and hunt badgers.  I don’t know what a badger is, but I’m guessing it looks a lot like a tree rat, raccoon, rabbit or opossum.  But the good news now is, when I might let my good noodle status slip I can sing “Oops I did it again” and mom forgives me.

Image result for badger  <——- Badger

I don’t know that thing looks terrifying.

I think I’ll stick to back up singing! Or a boy band….. “Bye, bye bye!”

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Royal Wedding invitee

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Mom wouldn’t let me go to Windsor this weekend even though I was clearly on the invitation list. My good pals Vulcan and Candy invited me, they’re Her Majesty’s “dorgis.”  Vulcan and Candy are ½ dachshund and ½ corgi and they are the only dogs the Queen has now.  I’m pretty sure we’re related, on the dachshund side anyway.  But mom said we couldn’t go to England so I had to watch the Royal Wedding on TV.  I really wanted to take Killer with me to England to impress her because I think she likes a Husky.  Can you imagine me and Killer riding in a horse-drawn carriage through the streets of Windsor? One day…..

The whole reason we couldn’t go was because Teagan was playing a mirror in a play. Mirrors are scary by the way.  The other day I was investigating an open closet door and started barking because I found another dog in the closet.  Well, I thought there was another dog in the closet.  It turns out there was just a mirror that mom forgot about on the floor of the closet.  But I mean seriously how crazy would that have been to find a dog as handsome as me locked away in a closet?

Princess thinks she was invited to the Royal Wedding because her name is Princess, but I told her it doesn’t work that way. She argued with me and I let her win because let’s face it she’s bigger than me and kinda scary sometimes.  So if she asks, she was totally on the guest list!  Then Bam got involved, he said if anyone should have been invited it should have been him because he’s an Olde English Bulldog and Olde English is more British than a dachshund.  (Sigh) They just don’t understand what it’s like to be Royalty.

So other than Royal Wedding watching I really haven’t been up to much else lately. It’s nice to go outside and play since its spring.  I’m pretty sure there’s still a raccoon living under our mini barn but she’s pretty sneaky and we don’t see her very often.  Mom said it’s a good thing because she’s bigger than me.  Mom and Dad are getting ready to plant strawberries, peppers and tomatoes.  We’ll see how long those last until I get bored and decide to dig them up.  Er…. I mean until there is a dangerous tree rat near them and I have to dig them up to save them.  I like strawberries, mom dropped one the other day and it was yummy.  I guess if I don’t dig up the plant I could just eat the strawberries off the plant…. Hmmm decisions…. decisions.

Well that’s about all for now, I’m going to work on photoshopping myself into some of the pictures from the wedding yesterday.  Maybe Killer will still be impressed.  At least enough to distract her from the Husky for a while.  Maybe the Queen will want me to apply to MI6 that would impress Killer.  I could be the next James Bond, I mean my last name is pretty close – Mr. Pickles Baughn, 007.

From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Jedi

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Hi friends!

Bam showed me how to log on to mom’s laptop, he’s super smart.  He knew the password.  He’s a handy big brother, mostly because he can reach the countertop when daddy leaves bacon out.  And with his over bite he’s able to open all kinds of things for me.

I’m considering leaving SWAT training.  It’s really a hard decision because my girlfriend Killer is still in SWAT training.  But mom went to a training and learned about Bomb Detection dogs and it sounds kind of cool.  All I have to do is sit when I smell explosives.  How hard could that be?  And they give you a ball to play with. Um, I don’t know what explosives are though….are they bad? I’m still thinking about it though, I don’t want to leave Killer.

Then the other night mom was winding this big ball of yarn for her work.  I’m not sure what she does or why she needed yarn but whatevs!  I was getting really mad because she wouldn’t let me play with the yarn.  But while she was winding the yarn she was watching some movie on TV called Return of the Jedi.  It was so cool, there were spaceships and fuzzy little bear things and a princess.  Not like my sister Princess but a real princess.  So, I hung out with mom even though I was mad at her and watched the movie.  Popcorn may or may not have been part of my motivation for staying.

I liked the Jedi guy.  I mean how cool is he? And he had a light saber thingy.  I decided that I’d be way better at being a Jedi than being Knight, so I’ve changed from Mr. Pickles, Esq. to Mr. Pickles, Jedi. I need to write the Queen and tell her I’m not longer going to be a knight.  She’ll be very upset.

How cool would it be to be able to use the Force to get bacon off the counter?  Then I could really impress Killer.  So, I’m going to ask mom to go to Jedi school.  It’s a real thing, right?

I forgot to tell you I had to go to the doctor last week.  I had a bad cough.  Teagan and Dawson said I was just faking because I only coughed around mom.  I wasn’t faking!  The doctor said I had a cold and gave me medicine.  It tastes like beef stuff.  I’m not sure what beef stuff is, but I like it.  I was good this time and didn’t try to bite the girl who took my temperature like I did the last time.  Do you know where they stick the thermometer?

We went to the puppy resort a few weeks ago.  I’m not sure why mom calls it a resort especially when she doesn’t get us the rooms with the TV and extra treats.  Stupid snobby rich poodles got the fancy rooms and extra treats.  Bam really liked his girl who took him outside and always convinced her to give him extra snuggles.  It’s not bad there, but I was glad to get home to my own fluffy bed and my cardboard box.  Yes, I have a cardboard box like a cat, don’t judge.

That’s pretty much been my life for the last few weeks.  I live a really exciting life.  Princess said a racoon is living under our mini barn again.  Maybe next time I log on I will tell you about how I used my Jedi skills to catch the racoon.  Ohhh I could catch the squirrels too.  I gotta become a Jedi!

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From the desk of Mr. Pickles, Esq.

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Bam let me borrow mom’s computer but said I couldn’t tell anybody.  So I found this thing called a blog… I’m not sure what it is but I like to talk about myself so I think this is perfect for me.

Some things you should know about me – I’m a two-year old long-haired miniature dachshund who is most famous for being a “good noodle” around the house.  I also speak with a slight nasal inflection so when you’re reading this keep that in mind.  More important information about me….let’s see ….. for a career I’m currently in training to be a SWAT K9 with my girlfriend, Killer, who is a German Shepherd.  Killer broke up with me earlier this year because mom wouldn’t let me keep the baby bunny I caught and killed to show her.  I told mom it was homework for SWAT dog school, but she still took it away from me.  But I’m so irresistible Killer took me back and she’s my girlfriend again.

For fun I chase tree rats….uh squirrels … in our back yard.  Even Princess can’t catch them so I don’t feel bad that I haven’t caught one yet.  And after the scuffle this summer with the raccoon, Bam no longer assists us in ridding the back yard of wildlife.  The raccoon did scratch his ear and he’s not getting any younger so I totally understand.  I recently took up Yoga – I’m awesome at downward facing dog.

Mom had a list thing that was sitting by her computer and it said “Replace New Years Resolutions With This.”  I think I’m going to take a crack at this, but I don’t know what a Resolution is.  Oh well here we go:

A bad habit I’m going to break.  Hmmmm…. I have no bad habits.  I mean sure I grab the dish towel off the stove and carry it around the house, jump up on the dining room table, growl at mom when she hasn’t fed me in a timely fashion, chew on mom’s house shoes and knock the trash over.  But those things aren’t really habits per se.  Nope I’m good on this one.

A new skill I’m going to learn.  Mixed martial arts or French culinary school.  I’d really like to learn how to make Coquilles Saint-Jacques and Baked Camembert.

A person I hope to be more like.  Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, I mean I’m totally like him now, totally buff and athletic and funny.  I just need to be more famous.  Maybe Justin Timberlake, I’d really like to up my singing game.

A good deed I’m going to do.  This one is tough.  Maybe I’ll help Dawson deliver Meals on Wheels one day.  I think I’d be good at that.  I mean after all what could go wrong with me in a van full of food?

A place I’d like to visit.  I’m really bad with locations but I’d be pretty happy with anyplace that has cookies.  Or maybe Canada because I want to see a Moose.

A book I’d like to read.  Uh… I really can’t read.

A letter I’m going to write.  I’m going to write a love letter to Killer.  And then maybe the Queen of England because I want to talk to her about validating the ESQ after my name (in England it means you’re training to be a Knight).

A new food I’m going to try.  Mom always says I can’t eat chocolate…. So that’s out.  But I’m pretty much willing to eat anything.

I’m going to do better at.  SWAT dog training, I still must make up for the missing bunny homework.  And I’m going to be better boyfriend and spoil Killer.

 

Well that’s all mom had listed for her blog so I guess I’ll sign off.

 

Happy New Year!

Mr. Pickles –  out

From the Desk of Bam

Well since Mom has been super busy lately I figured I should take over her blog. After all who better knows what is going on in the house than me…. After all I’m always here. I just hope she doesn’t get mad because my paws are a tad muddy so her now her keyboard is a tad muddy also. Princess tells me I should do a Year in Review blog for her because all the People do that on New Year’s Eve, but there’s kind of a problem because neither me nor Princess knows what the hell a “year” is. See by our estimation a “year” has to be at least a million days long. Hang on, there’s a squirrel outside so I’ll be right back.

Sigh…. And alas the squirrel wins another round as he waits for me to come outside and then darts for the tree. Squirrels are evil. In case you didn’t know. They spend hours and hours running back and forth across our roof from the tree in the front yard to the tree in the back yard. PITTER PATTER PITTER PATTER – all damn day long!!! Poor Princess has had to go to therapy as the taunting of the squirrels has exhausted her. The therapist suggested for her to start chasing her tail as a distraction but she hasn’t been doing very well with that and unfortunately I can’t help her because I have a long tail – hey where did my tail go? No seriously why don’t I have a tail??

Sorry I got off topic …. “Year” In Review – Right. Well let’s see….. Recently Santa Claus visited and brought me and Princess new doggie beds. He’s a straight up awesome guy. I’m mean he brings you stuff, he’s got a big belly – like me, loves cookies – like me, looks stylish in red – like me. I think I could be the next Santa Claus. Oh wait, Princess says you have to like people to be Santa – that could take me out of the running. I mean it’s not that I don’t like people exactly, it’s just that when I was a tiny baby bulldog my mama doggie told me it’s my job as an oversized, mean looking, ferocious sounding dog to protect the family. It takes way too much effort to figure out who’s naughty and who’s nice so I just growl and snarl and bark at everyone. It’s all show though I mean if a bad guy actually came in the house I’d hide behind Princess – she’s kinda like a ninja (we don’t ask about what happened to her before she got adopted and she doesn’t tell). Any way mama doggie just told me to look mean she didn’t mention I might actually have to face a bad guy, so I hide behind Princess.

Oh yeah so back to mom… she was going to send out her usual Christmas card featuring pics of Dawson and Teagan but I heard her say something about how it was December 22nd and now she didn’t have time – time seems to be a huge deal to People but I don’t understand what it means. Anyway I found these pics… I thought they would like nice in a Christmas card.

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Speaking of pics I tried taking selfies this year. Are you supposed to smile? I always look like I’m scared.

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Mom also made these handmade ornaments that looked like cookies that I got in trouble for trying to eat. Like it’s my fault? They looked like cookies, she baked them in the oven…. Why wouldn’t they be cookies? I mean I only wanted to try a small sample, she soooo overreacts to stuff like me climbing up on the table to try to eat one. Just ONE!! That was all I wanted. She really should take it as a compliment that I love her homemade cookies SOO MUCH that I just wanted one. Instead I got my nose smacked. So harsh! Well that went over better than the day I mistakenly ate her breakfast. I didn’t realize she wasn’t finished – that’s the story I’m sticking with anyway.

Oh yeah cousin B got married this summer. I wasn’t really sure I liked the guy she was going to marry because he likes CATS!!! And was scared of dogs!! I may have added to that fear a few times – I mean come on what fun would it be to look like a mean dog and not play the part? But then…. he saved me. There was this soccer tournament and Princess and I were in prison – I mean the kennel – and there was a late game and we were going to have to stay another night…. it was awful! But B came to pick us up. I love B. But her car broke down. So Logan, despite all my growling and barking and snarling at him, came to pick us up. B sat in the back with me and held on to me but she didn’t have to – anyone who comes and springs you out of prison – I mean the kennel – is a stand up guy in my book. I even let him pet me when we got home. Anyway when they got married Mom found us a nicer kennel – the owner is a retired police dog so he runs a tight ship and has nicer People working there.

Speaking of B and Logan, we now have a new cousin – Ivan the Great. He’s a cat. A CAT!!!!! Well he’s just our cousin, poor Sheba and Niyah have to deal with a cat for a brother.

Sheba and Niyah have a new house too. Auntie Mimmie got married this fall and moved to a new house. I haven’t met Dennis yet because SOMEbody thought I would be bad at Thanksgiving and try to eat the whole turkey……. or Ivan. The same SOMEbody thought I would also be bad on Christmas Eve and try to eat the buffalo wings – I mean seriously I usually don’t like spicy food! But whatever… that SOMEbody will be thankful I’m writing her blog I’m sure. I mean it’s not like I’d eat the whole turkey…maybe just half – and I’d share with Princess.

Well like I said things have been kinda crazy around here lately – Teagan’s in Middle School and working hard on her role as Mama Hood in the YAT production of Little Red Riding Hood. I’m cheering for the wolf in that story but it never works out very well for him. In the spring she got to be a LostGirl in Peter Pan and had a kick ass air guitar solo. Wait… did they have electric guitars in fairy tales? I’m confused, but whatever, she’s pretty good at acting and doing impressions and funny voices. I’m not really happy with the Forrest Gump-like voice she uses when she does an impression of me but it’s OK – I suppose it fits.

My bestest buddy Dawson turned 16 – which in People years is a big deal. He had a big party – also wasn’t allowed to attend because it was at the neighbor’s house and they are “afraid” of me. OK maybe Princess has a point about being nicer to people….. Anyway Dawson’s still playing soccer a lot and is starting to look at colleges to play soccer at. They tell me he’s moving away in a couple of years to go to school and play soccer – so I figure if I eat and destroy all his soccer balls he can’t leave. SHH don’t tell him my plan. His soccer season started off really sad though because one of his teammates died in an airplane crash. Bubby was really sad so I cuddled with him a lot – he told me his friend was flying around the world to raise money to build schools for kids in Pakistan because they don’t have a lot of schools there. I don’t know where Pakistan is, but it seems sad that kids can’t go to school there. Bubby likes to add #livelikeharis to some of his posts to remind people to do good things for other people.

Ok…. Princess says it’s time to go back out and try to catch the squirrel again. Poor thing, she just won’t give up. Several neighbors were concerned because they saw a giatnt possum move in under the maxi barn. HA!! they have not seen me hunt possums before.  Just ask B about the time she was babysitting and I caught one and brought it to her – I thought it was a nice thank you but I was told to drop it before I came in the house…. SHUT UP Princess it’s not my fault possums are slower than squirrels!

Anyway Happy New Year from the dogs!

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Merry Christmas from Bam &Princess

Bam hacked my computer and composed this holiday letter to his cousins, Sheeba, Colt, Buddy, Aussie and Bosanova.  Bigger apologies should go to Aussie as Princess ate all Aussie’s cookies before they could be packaged.   Oddly Bam forgets to mention this in his letter.  Luckily Bam also forgot to mention the humiliation of wearing a reindeer costume this winter….. Hopefully next year they have located a better sous chef!

Dear Cousin Puppies,

Hope 2012 finds all of you well.  We’d like to give a warm welcome to our newest cousin “Boss.”  We hope you find this extended family as genuinely crazy and odd as we do.  However coming from a bulldog puppy farm and the hardened streets of Indy like we both did we feel living within the craziness is the best for both of us so we just embrace it.

We apologize for the lateness of your gifts this year as our sous chef has once again disappointed us.  We pointed out multiple times we needed the peanut butter cookies by Christmas Eve but she continued to put our request on the back burner until here we are a week after Christmas and the cookies are only now done.  If she didn’t make such wonderful homemade peanut butter cookies we’d certainly fire her and look for a new one.  She came up with the most grandiose excuses:  working 12 hour shifts, shopping for the two kids, attempting to decorate the shamble of tree they brought in the house (which we cannot use as a bathroom or the drinking fountain – really?!?!?!) cleaning house, laundry, making cakes and other goodies to take to her human parties!  Well despite the lateness we hope you truly enjoy the cookies!

Our year has been filled with mostly the same things as last year.  Fighting over our Loofah toys, chasing, tails, barking at the neighbor dogs, eating two meals a day (PS why don’t we get lunch?  Humans eat lunch….), Bam had a fairly successful weight loss attempt with the Green Bean Diet – although he doesn’t necessarily endorse it, and Princess learned how to chase a ball.  Bam continues to keep a vigilant watch over the street, making sure to bark loudly anytime anything moves in front of the house.  You would think the humans would appreciate this more.  We spent a week in the kennel…..well you know what they say what happens in the kennel stays in the kennel.  We want to go to the fancy kennel Sheeba went to next year, where they take pictures and post them on Facebook and give you extra love and playtime.  Bam’s request for his own Facebook account has again been denied, but he’s still hopeful to create “Bambino Gene Baughn” soon.  We’ll keep you updated!

Well cousin puppies, enjoy your cookies!!

Love,

Bam & Princess

PS… They just got the girl a bird…. A BIRD!!! In the house…. Can you believe it!  And they expect us to not try to eat it.  Not to mention the traumatic memories Bam still has after getting fluffed by the Blue Jay in our back yard.  Sigh…… they will never learn………

Photo: Mrs "Princess" ClausePhoto: On Dasher & Dancer & Prancer & Vixen ... And Bam