From the Desk of Bam

Well since Mom has been super busy lately I figured I should take over her blog. After all who better knows what is going on in the house than me…. After all I’m always here. I just hope she doesn’t get mad because my paws are a tad muddy so her now her keyboard is a tad muddy also. Princess tells me I should do a Year in Review blog for her because all the People do that on New Year’s Eve, but there’s kind of a problem because neither me nor Princess knows what the hell a “year” is. See by our estimation a “year” has to be at least a million days long. Hang on, there’s a squirrel outside so I’ll be right back.

Sigh…. And alas the squirrel wins another round as he waits for me to come outside and then darts for the tree. Squirrels are evil. In case you didn’t know. They spend hours and hours running back and forth across our roof from the tree in the front yard to the tree in the back yard. PITTER PATTER PITTER PATTER – all damn day long!!! Poor Princess has had to go to therapy as the taunting of the squirrels has exhausted her. The therapist suggested for her to start chasing her tail as a distraction but she hasn’t been doing very well with that and unfortunately I can’t help her because I have a long tail – hey where did my tail go? No seriously why don’t I have a tail??

Sorry I got off topic …. “Year” In Review – Right. Well let’s see….. Recently Santa Claus visited and brought me and Princess new doggie beds. He’s a straight up awesome guy. I’m mean he brings you stuff, he’s got a big belly – like me, loves cookies – like me, looks stylish in red – like me. I think I could be the next Santa Claus. Oh wait, Princess says you have to like people to be Santa – that could take me out of the running. I mean it’s not that I don’t like people exactly, it’s just that when I was a tiny baby bulldog my mama doggie told me it’s my job as an oversized, mean looking, ferocious sounding dog to protect the family. It takes way too much effort to figure out who’s naughty and who’s nice so I just growl and snarl and bark at everyone. It’s all show though I mean if a bad guy actually came in the house I’d hide behind Princess – she’s kinda like a ninja (we don’t ask about what happened to her before she got adopted and she doesn’t tell). Any way mama doggie just told me to look mean she didn’t mention I might actually have to face a bad guy, so I hide behind Princess.

Oh yeah so back to mom… she was going to send out her usual Christmas card featuring pics of Dawson and Teagan but I heard her say something about how it was December 22nd and now she didn’t have time – time seems to be a huge deal to People but I don’t understand what it means. Anyway I found these pics… I thought they would like nice in a Christmas card.

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Speaking of pics I tried taking selfies this year. Are you supposed to smile? I always look like I’m scared.

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Mom also made these handmade ornaments that looked like cookies that I got in trouble for trying to eat. Like it’s my fault? They looked like cookies, she baked them in the oven…. Why wouldn’t they be cookies? I mean I only wanted to try a small sample, she soooo overreacts to stuff like me climbing up on the table to try to eat one. Just ONE!! That was all I wanted. She really should take it as a compliment that I love her homemade cookies SOO MUCH that I just wanted one. Instead I got my nose smacked. So harsh! Well that went over better than the day I mistakenly ate her breakfast. I didn’t realize she wasn’t finished – that’s the story I’m sticking with anyway.

Oh yeah cousin B got married this summer. I wasn’t really sure I liked the guy she was going to marry because he likes CATS!!! And was scared of dogs!! I may have added to that fear a few times – I mean come on what fun would it be to look like a mean dog and not play the part? But then…. he saved me. There was this soccer tournament and Princess and I were in prison – I mean the kennel – and there was a late game and we were going to have to stay another night…. it was awful! But B came to pick us up. I love B. But her car broke down. So Logan, despite all my growling and barking and snarling at him, came to pick us up. B sat in the back with me and held on to me but she didn’t have to – anyone who comes and springs you out of prison – I mean the kennel – is a stand up guy in my book. I even let him pet me when we got home. Anyway when they got married Mom found us a nicer kennel – the owner is a retired police dog so he runs a tight ship and has nicer People working there.

Speaking of B and Logan, we now have a new cousin – Ivan the Great. He’s a cat. A CAT!!!!! Well he’s just our cousin, poor Sheba and Niyah have to deal with a cat for a brother.

Sheba and Niyah have a new house too. Auntie Mimmie got married this fall and moved to a new house. I haven’t met Dennis yet because SOMEbody thought I would be bad at Thanksgiving and try to eat the whole turkey……. or Ivan. The same SOMEbody thought I would also be bad on Christmas Eve and try to eat the buffalo wings – I mean seriously I usually don’t like spicy food! But whatever… that SOMEbody will be thankful I’m writing her blog I’m sure. I mean it’s not like I’d eat the whole turkey…maybe just half – and I’d share with Princess.

Well like I said things have been kinda crazy around here lately – Teagan’s in Middle School and working hard on her role as Mama Hood in the YAT production of Little Red Riding Hood. I’m cheering for the wolf in that story but it never works out very well for him. In the spring she got to be a LostGirl in Peter Pan and had a kick ass air guitar solo. Wait… did they have electric guitars in fairy tales? I’m confused, but whatever, she’s pretty good at acting and doing impressions and funny voices. I’m not really happy with the Forrest Gump-like voice she uses when she does an impression of me but it’s OK – I suppose it fits.

My bestest buddy Dawson turned 16 – which in People years is a big deal. He had a big party – also wasn’t allowed to attend because it was at the neighbor’s house and they are “afraid” of me. OK maybe Princess has a point about being nicer to people….. Anyway Dawson’s still playing soccer a lot and is starting to look at colleges to play soccer at. They tell me he’s moving away in a couple of years to go to school and play soccer – so I figure if I eat and destroy all his soccer balls he can’t leave. SHH don’t tell him my plan. His soccer season started off really sad though because one of his teammates died in an airplane crash. Bubby was really sad so I cuddled with him a lot – he told me his friend was flying around the world to raise money to build schools for kids in Pakistan because they don’t have a lot of schools there. I don’t know where Pakistan is, but it seems sad that kids can’t go to school there. Bubby likes to add #livelikeharis to some of his posts to remind people to do good things for other people.

Ok…. Princess says it’s time to go back out and try to catch the squirrel again. Poor thing, she just won’t give up. Several neighbors were concerned because they saw a giatnt possum move in under the maxi barn. HA!! they have not seen me hunt possums before.  Just ask B about the time she was babysitting and I caught one and brought it to her – I thought it was a nice thank you but I was told to drop it before I came in the house…. SHUT UP Princess it’s not my fault possums are slower than squirrels!

Anyway Happy New Year from the dogs!

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Diets & Facelifts for Bullies

The Bully Diet.  Not bully like being mean to people.  But bully as in bulldog.  Although a lot of personal trainers do come close to the definition of bully …. Jillian maybe?  Anyway this is my 3AM-Infomercial-on-12-channels mega million dollar idea. 

Recently on a trip to the vet I was told my bulldog was overweight.  I prefer the term “husky” or “fluffy.”  The vet – having no sense of humor – prefers the term overweight.  Obese even.  Obtuse if you’re my daughter – which mathematically speaking is correct as it describes a fat triangle.  This was a new vet so I was preparing myself for next excuse of why we didn’t feed him “light” dog food.  It was all there on the tip of my tongue:  it gives him gas, it makes him shed, he has a delicate digestive system.  The truth is that’s $75 a bag and he can eat that in less than a month and I barely spend that on meat for the four of us so it seems dis-proportionate to the family budget.  But before I got even one of the faux excuses out the vet surprised me.  He told me to cut what I feed him in half and then pour a cup or more of green beans on top of his food.  The green beans fill him up with very few calories and then he gets the protein and yummies from his normal dog food.

What a brilliant idea!  I wasn’t really sure that the dog would eat the green beans but he did.  He looked at me funny but he ate them.  And if you warm them up in the microwave the green bean juice mixes with the dog food and it makes gravy.  Anyone remember Gravy Train dog food?  What a great vet – although I’m still trying to find the “gallon jar of green beans” that he suggested we buy.  I’m guessing he doesn’t go grocery shopping much.  But it’s OK, we can buy the 58 cent cans of Great Value French cut green beans – he prefers French cut.  What? He told me.

So one night when threatening my kids that I would pour green beans on their food like I did Bam’s so they would eat some form of a vegetable – it hit me.  This is my money maker.  I could write a “diet” book with various forms of green bean styles and varieties then discuss the nutritional value of green beans and then diagram the 7 day diet.  Day One – Step 1) Pick your favorite breakfast food:  pancakes.  Step 2) cut the amount you normally eat in half.  Step 3) Pour a cup or more of green beans on top of it.  Repeat for lunch and dinner.

I can see it now!  Ladies with my book sitting in their office lunch rooms pouring green beans on ½ slices of pizza and small French fries.  Think you need a milkshake for a snack?  Go ahead – just cut it in half and pour a cup of beans on top.  Sounds yummy doesn’t it?  Chocolate-Green bean shake.  I can see my infomercial now!  Hire a few plus size models (because now a size 8 is “plus size”) with a really bad script about how they can’t lose weight – then enter the super models (size 0 or less) smiling and sharing their secret tips.  There will be whole table full of food – pizza, ice cream, hot dogs, chicken sandwiches…. All topped with green beans!  And I will enjoy watching the super models try and choke down a dish of chocolate ice cream a’la green bean.

I hear you naysayers out there.  But really – sillier diet fads have succeeded.  Well if not succeeded at least they have made their creators a couple of bucks before someone proved they were medically unsafe or found to have no effect on long term weight loss.  Look them up there are hundreds:  the lemonade diet, the cabbage soup diet, the chocolate diet, the 7 day diet, the Russian Air Force Diet.  (I’ll be right back I’m just slightly distracted by the chocolate diet.)

I am a little nervous about using this vet’s suggestions.  In the same trip he also suggested a facelift for the dog.  No, sadly I’m not kidding.  Bam seems to have some type of an eye fold issue on his right eye.  The vet mentioned a very quick procedure to fix this problem which is actually a lack of wrinkle around the eye instead of the opposite for humans.  Gallons of green beans, face lifts for bulldogs – this vet is truly missing the financial windfall available in the wee hours of the morning.

Well for all of you 3AM Facebook surfers who are simultaneously scanning all of those channels playing infomercials (you know who you are) – look for my book soon.  Do you think Anthony Sullivan will do my infomercial?  I think the Austrailian accent would really add a selling touch.  Soon I’ll be bumping elbows with the creators of Eggies, Flex Seal, Magic Mesh, Sticky Buddy and the Perfect Tortilla pan.  Until then just remember:

pour a cup of green beans on it!

(Hmmm….. maybe “Glitta Nails” would sell better?  Oh I’m sure Snookie already has that market cornered)

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