Why I hate being a “Soccer Mom”

I could almost do a Top 10 of why I hate being a soccer mom….. I think I might have even listed them on Facebook randomly from time to time.

#5 – 37 degrees outside but were still having soccer practice.

#8 – I have to drive 3 hours for 1 damn game — on Mother’s Day?

#4 – I miss $15 kids size soccer cleats from Target.

But seriously, what happened to soccer mom’s over the years?  Remember the Clinton-era soccer moms?  They were a force.  They changed a Presidential election.  They were smart intelligent women who were choosing to stay home with their kids instead of having high power careers.  They were created by political talking heads who wanted to target middle class white mothers who drive SUV’s or minivans and were “overburdened.”  But the stereotype, when it started, was positive.  They were important.  Their opinions were considered to be the “voice of the middle class” in the mid 90’s.

Unfortunately all good things must come to end.  The stereotype now is much less positive.  Soccer Mom’s are still middle class white mothers but that’s where the “nice” description from the 90’s.  Now they are (and yes I’m quoting from urban dictionary):

“A woman who refuses to believe that anything that is not white christian middle-upper class is evil.”

“are often found destroying the sacred environment in their oversized SUV’s driving in an unsafe fashion, often times with cell phones in one hand and a Starbucks coffee in the other.”

“an evil underground network of overprotective 30-40 year olds who drive around in s.u.v’s or mini vans or volvo’s who hate tv, internet and teenagers. this “mafia” of soccer moms knows everything that goes on in your town and gossips about every little thing that other people kids do.”

“They name their children Madison, Britney, Caitlin, Tanner, Bryce, Trevor… they drive an SUV or minivan embossed with soccer ball decals and honor student bumper stickers… their two most prized possessions: their cell phone and their sport water bottle…”

“A time bomb waiting to detonate in a therapist’s office or a grocery check-out line after finding her double off coupon is no longer valid.”

“She is usually blonde (often bleached) and has average to above average looks (the latter usually being also a “trophy wife”).”

“Soccer Mom has no life outside her children and their activities. During the day when the kids are in school, she can be found trolling the localshopping mall and maxing out hubby’s credit card buying stuff she doesn’t need at theBombay Company.”

And my personal favorite……..

“Soccer moms are also a major contributing factor to the gas price hike that America has experienced in recent years”

So let me take these down one by one.

While I identify with Christian values we don’t attend church regularly and I enjoy studying and learning about various other religions – including Muslim and Hindu because many of my son’s friends and fellow soccer players belong to these religions.  Evil to me is Plankton from Spongebob — just kidding and no I’ve never petitioned Nickelodeon to give Spongebob a higher parental information TV rating.

Ok admittedly I’ve got no counter point for the SUV, bad driving, drinking Starbucks and cellphone.  Next…. Oh wait, I don’t destroy the environment and I’m very conscientious about recycling.  HA!

I’ve always wanted to be part of an evil underground network however gossiping about other people’s kids typically doesn’t classify as “evil” or “underground.”  My version of an evil underground network involves something much more dangerous like smuggling doughnuts to starving size 2 models or stalking celebrities or something a little more “Fast & Furious” like.  And PS I know everything that goes on in this town because I’m a 911 operator, trust me you DONT want to know everything!

“Madison, Britney, Caitlin, Tanner, Bryce, Trevor” – nope none of the above (Sorry B).  And just so we’re clear the damn stickers on the back window were placed there by my children because I fought kicking and screaming against my back window looking like a suburbia billboard.  At least I don’t have the stick figure family.  And I have no honor roll stickers……….. not exactly a great parental brag but my kids and the honor roll have never been formally introduced.

I can see myself as a time bomb waiting to go off in a therapy office or the grocery store for not taking my double coupon however I feel that has little to do with me being a parent who has a child enrolled in soccer or not.  (see my references to customer service issues in previous blogs)

I could be blonde but I’m not… and currently the color my daughter picked for me is “chocolate cherry” – she thought I needed to be red for fall.  I like to think I have average to above average looks when I actually have time to fix my hair and do my makeup which isn’t often.  And I’ve often told my husband that I am a trophy wife — he just needed to be more specific about what place (they give trophy’s all the way up to 10th place now!).  Keep in mind “Participant” is also a place.

I have a life…. it involves working hellish 12 hour shifts and sometimes part-time shifts or overtime to pay for soccer — that really is a counterproductive point isn’t it? Does anyone have that “Soccer Mom Madame’s” address in prison?  I really want to sign up for the maxing the hubby’s credit card at the mall life though – do you know where I go for that?  PS what the hell is Bombay Company?  We don’t have one at my mall, or any mall near me. (I Googled it… it’s like high-priced IKEA).

And finally……..

I love this person’s take on the gas price increase.  Totally ….. it’s all because of us holier than thou white suburban driving/crashing Starbucks drinking cellphone talking on blonde time bomb trophy wives with no life but shopping and maxing out credit cards.  It has NOTHING to do with OPEC or government regulations or international politics or anything.  It’s all because we fill up our SUV’s and/or Minivans.

There were also countless references to my overworked executive level high paid husband.  Yeah ……… about that.  My husband works ten 24 hour shifts a month and is paid less than most entry-level positions at Fortune 500 companies.

So this is why I don’t like being stereotyped as a Soccer Mom.  Unfortunately I have a son who is obsessed with playing soccer so I can’t get out of the title.  I just hate that Soccer Mom’s have become basically some kind of over indulgent, entitled, rich, snobby pain in the ass.  And trust me I’ve seen them first hand.  Once my son started travel soccer I was amazed at what I saw.  I’ve seen a lady (ok not so much lady – but female) get kicked out of her kids match and could still hear her yelling and screaming 3 fields over as her husband was walking (insert dragging) her to the car.  I’ve seen a teenage kid start towards a oposing teams parent to start a fight and the mother encourage him the whole time.  I’ve seen an opposing player address all of the parents from our team in a derogatory manner and then flip us all off with his parents laughing and encouraging him to keep going.  Sometimes I get confused between whether I’m at a soccer game or a secret taping of Jerry Springer.

I know there is no hope of not being classifed as a Soccer Mom due to the basic principal that A) I am a mom and B) one child plays soccer.  However I reject be stereotyped as some of the examples above.

Except for the Starbucks (it IS pumpkin spice season after all) and the SUV (even though it’s broke — again) and the cell phone (my Iphone is like a 3rd child).  And maybe I’ll go blonde………who knows?




Politics, Religion and The Great Pumpkin

“There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” —- Linus VanPelt.

I live by this quote.  Why?  Because I have learned I can share my opinions on these topics but if the person you are sharing said opinions with doesn’t feel the same way you can open up a Pandora’s Box and end up in a 3 hour argument.  No I’m not kidding!!  I’ve been close to a knock down drag out fight over the Great Pumpkin.

WARNING:  That being said this blog may be very complicated to write without interjecting my opinion’s related to religion and politics. Normally I would call this a ‘Random Thought’ post because several of these topics have nothing to do with each other.  So buckle up buttercup here we go.

I have so many tabs opened up on my browser now that the Norton alert has told me to shut a few down.  I would ace CURRENT EVENTS day in social studies with these:

1.  Billy Ray Cyrus.  (HA! thought I was going to go all anti-Miley on you didn’t you?)  So in the wake of his daughters VMA performance, I’m wondering if he will be kicked off of the Advisory Board of the Parent’s Television Council?  Yes he really is on the board advocating “to protect children from graphic and gratuitous programming and to restore responsibility to the entertainment industry.” Nope not kidding, check out the link here:   http://w2.parentstv.org/main/About/AdvisoryBoard.aspx.  Because nothing says “HIPOCRIT” quite like being on a board to prevent lewdness on television and then have your barely adult daughter go on television and “Twerk” and sexual violate a foam finger and a married man.  Maybe… just maybe if you want to prevent lewdness on TV you should start in your home.  Glass houses and stones… two very tricky things Billy Ray.

2.  Starbucks.  Yay Starbucks!  In an article on CNN Money, Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz has stated that he doesn’t plan on cutting any employee benefits in light of upcoming changes with the Obamacare plan.  Unlike the majority of companies country-wide (and yes local and state governments too) who have cut hours, and decreased benefits to maintain their bottom lines, Starbucks is going the extra mile for employees.  “It’s not about the law. It’s about responsibility we have to the people who do work and who represent us,” Schultz told CNN on Tuesday.  Starbucks  currently pays more for employee benefits than it does for coffee.  And they don’t plan on changing that.  Who wants to work for Starbucks???  ME!!!  What would it be like if your employer saw that how they treat you as an employee directly relates to how you treat customers?  MIND BLOWING CONCEPT (not)!!!  Check out the article here: http://money.cnn.com/2013/08/27/news/companies/starbucks-obamacare-schultz/index.html.  And someone get me a Venti Carmel Macchiato!!

3. “I have a dream.”  Today being the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s infamous speech on the Washington Mall I want to take time to point out one part of his speech that seems to have been forgotten.  “….but they will be judged on the basis of the content of their character, not the color of their skin.”  Let me let that sink in a bit….. the content of their character.  Now before someone shouts racist or compares me to Paula Deen, let me explain.  I believe whole heartedly in what Dr. King said, judge people by the content of the character and not the color of the skin.  The problem today is  (at least for me) not the color of someone’s skin as much as the content of their character.  I work in emergency services which means I deal with people of all different races, religions, sexes, ages, disabilities and sexual orientations, and I treat each one the same.  Don’t believe me?  Remember I answer a phone, I can’t see the person I’m talking to.  But trust me in all these “categories” there are persons who have character and there are those who don’t.  911 is one of the most under utilized sociology tools around.  I dare any award-winning sociologist to come spend a day with me.  You will get an eye-opening view of human beings that you have never experienced before.  (Ok so I’m starting to push the religion/politics thing here — and I purposely avoided the Obamacare issue above – damn).  Rest in Peace Martin Luther King Jr. — you will always be one of my favorite historical figures and one of my favorite persons to quote!  Side note:  I grew up in the wrong era, I would have rocked the 60’s!!

Moving on to the final topic — which truly has no religious or political ties…………

4. Twerking.  This bothers me.  The name alone bothers me. When I first saw the name I honestly thought it had something to do with being the “master of your own domain.”  (For younger readers, it’s a thing from Seinfeld — Google it.)  Wikipedia defines it as,  “a dance move that involves a person, usually a woman, shaking her hips in an up-and-down bouncing motion, causing the dancer to shake, “wobble” and “jiggle.”  Hmmmm …… lets see where do I even begin?  OK so lets start with the obvious, most women don’t need a dance move to get their ass to shake, wobble and jiggle.  Mine does that walking across the living room.  Next, speaking as a woman who wears Spanx to control the shake, wobble and jiggle, why the hell would you purposely do a dance to make the junk in your trunk jiggle?  And mostly when they start twerking, they bend over and touch the floor making the jiggling, shaking and wobbling ass the focal point.  WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS???  A) not sure I can touch the floor and dance at the same time B) If I did this it would give my dance partners nightmares for years C) trying to gyrate my hips while wildly making my ass shake, jiggle and wobble while touching the floor would end with a trip to the ER.  OK so it’s a dance move for a younger generation for sure, but they need to know that it doesn’t look attractive or sexy in any way shape or form (even for the skinny girls — Miley’s ass looked like two piglets fighting to get out of plastic bag — NOT attractive!)  Ok full disclosure I may be somewhat bitter about Miley because she’s worth $120 million — several thousand of which I contributed to buying a bunch of Hannah Montana crap for a star struck 5-year-old. Halloween 2007….. She had to be Hannah!


This year she wants to be Katy Perry:

katy perry

Tiger sports bra, Flame boxers, French braids and tube socks …. check!

Oh my! I started this blog with coffee (still waiting on that Carmel Macchiato — adds to the jiggle) and I’m ending it with wine.  My brain feels like a ping-pong ball in a wind tunnel!  (I sent that in a text to my mom earlier this week but it was too good not to share with the world).

Love to Linus and the Great Pumpkin.  Goodnight!